"'If you can'?"

For the last week I've been having a struggle with my faith about our adoption. I'm not worried it won't happen, but I haven't been believing that God would bring our boys home any sooner than my expected timeframe (which is based off of my knowledge).

For the last few days the story about the healing of a boy with an evil spirit has been coming to mind, specifically the part where boy's father says, "If you can do anything..." I had progressed to a point where I would say things like, "If the boys come home in August." The protective wall was still in place to some extent. Yesterday morning as I read the whole story (Mark 9:14-29) I felt as though God was saying that I needed faith like a child to believe like I want to believe. So my question was, "How do I get that kind of faith?" And then I realized that I know too much. I know how long each step should take and I know how fast or slowly others are making it through the steps. I know all of this because I was subscribed to a number of online forums and I had a number of blogs that I checked daily, or even more often. God gave me a choice yesterday morning. I could go on with all my knowledge or I could keep my eyes on only Him. So, yesterday morning I unsubscribed from all the groups but my orphanage specific group (which, by the way, is set up to not share information about where we are all at in the process) and I deleted all the blogs out of my list of favorites except for the families that I know from our orphanage. I don't want to be in the know anymore. I want to keep my eyes on Jesus, knowing that He can do anything. I want faith like a child. I want Jesus to help me overcome my unbelief.

I know that I'm not the only person adopting from Haiti who has gone gotten so wrapped up in knowledge. I feel like there is someone who reads this blog who checks the forums and the blogs and does google searches. Please join me in trusting God and having faith that He can do anything despite what all the information out there says. I feel so much freedom now that I've decided to trust God and not rely on knowledge. I have more hope and a lot more time now that I'm not tied to the computer. And it's only been 23 hours!

Last night we went to a BBQ at the home of some friends who moved away last year. Away is only 35 minutes, but we don't see them nearly enough. They are wonderful people and I just tear up when I think about them because they are such a blessing to us. Well, they had some friends over from their new church and we got to sit and talk with them. It was such an uplifting night. They felt that the Lord was telling them things to tell us, so they told us. Chuck and I were so encouraged and blessed. I have to wonder if that could have happened if I hadn't been obedient to God yesterday morning. And I want to say that I don't think God would have said, "Oh, nevermind, she wasn't obedient so she doesn't get to have this experience." I think it would have been more like I wouldn't have let the experience happen or God couldn't let the experience happen.

I will go off on a tangent for a minute because I have an understanding of God that I want to share. I'm not a parent yet (some will argue that, but the boys don't live here yet) but I know that a lot of times parents will want to do something really nice for their kids. So, for example, say that you tell your kids that you will go and get icecream, but they are going to have to behave while at the park. At the park your kids behave terribly and they know they are behaving terribly, yet continue to do so. Now, the right thing to do is to not get the icecream. And I know some of you are saying, "Juli, sometimes you get them the icecream." And I'm saying, "No, you don't." Consequences are a real part of life and as parents it is our duty to teach that. Not in a mean, spiteful way, but in love. (I believe that it's important to teach kids about grace, too, but I believe there are better scenarios in which to do so.) There may even be times where you don't tell them about the icecream ahead of time, but you plan to take them for icecream after the park. Then, they misbehave and you decide against the icecream. They never even knew it was a possibility. So, they made choices that kept them from receiving a blessing from you. In that same way, I think that we make choices in life that put God into a position where He has to withhold blessings. And I think it breaks His heart. He loves us more than we can begin to fathom. The love that we have for our kids is just a fragment of the love that He feels for us. And He wants to bless us. But, being the perfect parent that He is, there are times when He knows it is best not to bless us because of the choices we make. And I repeat, it breaks His heart.

I'm not expecting blessings because I did the right thing yesterday morning. But, I do think that I've put myself in a better place to receive them. I also think that my faith will grow as a result of my obedience yesterday.

I'll end this post with the July pictures of the boys:

Smiley Samuel

Samuel with his, "Whatchu talking about Willis" look.

Noah posing for his picture, but forgetting to smile.

Noah, looking like he'd like to get his hands on the camera.