Sunday, September 30, 2007

Responsibility

Responsibility - what does it mean? For years, I had no idea. It took some hard lessons in life to teach me about responsibility.

The kind of responsibility I'm about to talk about is not in the same category as taking care of your home or kids or health care. It goes deeper than that. The kind of responsibility I began to learn about 8 years ago is self responsibility.

You see, life is rough. Crap happens. Things go wrong. We get lied to. We get cheated. And we can live our lives as a victim if we want. I've learned that I ALWAYS have a part. Even in the super nasty things that happen in life. It's not always a big part, and it's not always that bad, but it is a ball I set in motion that I must look at.

Looking for my part in bad situations, quite honestly, sucks. I hate it, but I've learned that it is something I must do. I make decisions every day, and some of them come back to bite me. For example, right now my stomach is a wreck. Today Chuck and I ate at Outback (thanks to a gift card!) and I ate my steak medium rare. I loved it. I always do. But, I know that eating a nearly raw steak is going to upset my body, it always does. I made the choice, now I live with the consequences of that choice. I could just say, "Gosh, every time I eat a medium rare steak at Outback I get sick. How come they keep getting me sick?" But you see, the problem is mine, not Outback's.

I have some really hard stuff going on in my life right now. But, before I go pointing the finger I have to look for my responsibility in it. And it's there. I've made choices that put me in a position to be hurt. I have to take responsibility for that. It doesn't change the situation or the wrong that has been done to me, but it gives me a fair perspective and keeps me from playing the victim role.

And I think God blesses us when we take responsibility. It's what He's about, because it's truth. Taking responsibility for my actions is living out truth in my life. I've come to realize that not everyone out there operates this way, and that's too bad because there is so much freedom in it. When I look at myself for who I truly am and what I've done, I get free. The nagging in my spirit goes away and I have peace, even in the storms of life. It's when I don't choose to look at my part that I struggle. God's grace is so overwhelming when it comes to taking responsibility in my life. He is SO good.

Haiti

Many of you know, but in case you didn't, I was in Haiti last week. I had the wonderful honor of escorting a friend's daughter to Miami. Erlande is 8 years old and joined her family on Friday. It's one of the coolest things God's allowed me to be a part of.

I learned some sad news while in Haiti. I had the opportunity to talk to our Haitian processor and I learned that our paperwork is not as far along in process as we've been told. Yes, we did clear Parquet last week, but it was for the first time. According to our facilitator, your paperwork goes to Parquet, then goes for Judgment, then goes back to Parquet for the Judgment to be signed off on. We were told last Friday that we had gotten the 2nd Parquet approval needed so that our dossier could move on. On Sunday I learned that wasn't true. Our paperwork had been in Parquet since the end of January, so that's 8 months sitting in one office. Now we are waiting to hear that we have Judgment, then our paperwork will go back to Parquet for them to sign off on that. It was totally disheartening to learn this, but at least we know the truth now.

My stay in Haiti was wonderful. The last 4 times I went to Haiti we had to stay at an expensive hotel because that is where our mission trip leaders decided to stay. This time I stayed at Wall's International Guest House and absolutely loved it. It was not as nice as the hotel, but they made up for it in other ways. The food was delicious and breakfast and lunch were included in the daily cost - which is only $35 if you have an airconditioned room. The staff was amazing - completely polite and helpful. They went above and beyond to help me out. They have a great swimming pool that they vacuum daily. They also have wireless internet access available for only $2 a day. There were drawbacks - the showers were cold. Not ice cold, but definitely cold. The AC was only for five hours at night. There are not choices at mealtime - it's what they make and that's it. Overall, I felt that the good far outweighed the bad and I will never again stay at Visa Lodge if I can help it.

I've turned off comments on this post because I'm sure some people will be as upset as we were about what I've posted about our paperwork and I don't want a bunch of discouraging comments linked to this. I didn't share it to get people riled up. I shared it because this blog's purpose is to share our journey in adopting our boys. We post updates - all of them, good and bad. As always, feel free to email me if you want.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Inspection Went Well

I heard from Chuck that the home inspection went well. Thanks for all your prayers. With the whole funding fee problem I really prayed and asked God to use the home inspection as our way out if it wasn't His plan for us to be in that house.

The inspector found a few minor things that we will ask the seller to fix, but none of them are deal breaker items. The AC unit is 20 years old, so we will FOR SURE be buying a home warranty plan.

The only item left is the appraisal, and we're not worried about that.

Thanks again for your prayers!

A Dream Come True

Today I visited the Immigration Building and MOI in Haiti. I will blog more about my trip later. I want to talk about my visit to the Immigration Building.

Before I begin, I need to give some background info. On July 9th I posted about a dream I had. I'd hyperlink it if I could figure out how. Instead I'll paste it below:


In my dream I was in this great big room in Haiti, probably as big as a large gymnasium. There were tons of people - white and black, adults and kids. In this room appointments were happening that were making it possible for kids to go home to their forever families. It was loud and chaotic, but everyone was happily waiting to be called. There was happiness in the room because all the Haitian kids were very close to going home. Their American families were there
with them. I watched as one family got called. They were adopting two Haitian kids. I began to cry so hard when they got called because I knew that meant they were very close to going home. Pictures of the Haitian kids were taken for their passports so that the passports could be made. Then they waited to get their passports.In my dream I knew that it wasn't our turn. In fact, Chuck and the boys weren't there. It was like I was getting to watch it all happen. I wasn't
upset at all that it wasn't our turn. I was just so thrilled to see that these kids were finally getting to go home.


Today I believe this dream came true. We were in the Immigration Building and we had to walk through this huge room (yes, probably as big as a gymnasium). There were probably 30 rows of folding chairs, and the first 10 or so rows were filled with people waiting. As soon as we were in the room my mind flashed back to the dream. It wasn't exactly the way I saw things in my dream, and there weren't a bunch of kids, but I really sensed that this was the room I dreamt about. Passports are issued in the immigration building. I was with my friend, who was there to get her child's passport. It wasn't my turn, but I was so happy for her.

When I had the dream, a good friend told me she believed it was prophetic. I believe it was. When I thought about the dream back in July, it made no sense to me because why would I be in Haiti where passports are issued if it wasn't my turn?? Well, I was there today and it wasn't my turn.

Just another sprinkling of God's love in my life.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Prayer Request

Okay, we have a prayer request.

We are using Chuck's VA benefit for our home loan. As you probably know, Chuck was medically retired from the Coast Guard in May. As a disabled veteran, one of the benefits is that we don't have to pay the funding fee for the VA home loan. Well, Vetran's Affairs hasn't yet rated Chuck for his disability, so therefore we aren't yet eligible to have the funding fee waived. We are talking thousands of dollars that we will have to roll into our mortgage.

Chuck has been on the phone with Vetran's Affairs and they have told him they are sorry, but the best they can do is pay our lender the funding fee once he is rated (which could be a number of months). That's great, but our monthly mortgage payment will be higher because of this. Even though Vetran's Affairs says there is nothing they can do, we know God can do it. If it's His will for us to not have to pay the funding fee, He will make it happen. Please join us in prayer that this is so.

I really feel like this is just one more of Satan's schemes in our life lately to get our focus off of what is important. We will continue to keep our eyes on Jesus and the direction He has for us.

Update on House Stuff

Our house passed the termite and moisture inspection yesterday, so it is good to go. Our home inspection on the new place is scheduled for tomorrow at noon. If the inspection turns out good the appraisal will be ordered. So, we are getting there. I'll blog more when I know more.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

About the House

I just sent an email to my friend Kelly, telling her a little bit about the house, and realized I should share some details here. Earlier this week Kelly reminded me that when the original house we fell in love with became unavailable I told her that obviously God had something better in store for us. I had lost sight of that. I told Kelly that there was no way God could give us something better than that in our price range because that sold for more than what we are willing to spend. I should have known better. Not only is the new place better than that one, it's also in a better school district. I'm sorry I doubted God and Kelly.

Anyway, the house is 1300 sq ft, which for us is exactly 220 more sq ft than we currently have. It also has an attached one car garage and an attached screened in porch. I LOVE a screened porch, especially in a city where the mosquitoes seriously wage war against the residents.

It has 3 good size bedrooms, and the master bedroom has a bathroom with a stand up shower off of it. It has lots of closet space. The living room is huge with a vaulted ceiling (which Chuck loves). The dining area isn't a separate room, rather it's off of the living room and kitchen. There is this bonus area off of the dining area that will work as an office for us. The kitchen is vintage 1957. The only things that are maybe newer is the linoleum flooring and the countertops. The rest is all original, but pristine. It has a very retro look about it. There is currently no dishwasher, but that will change, I promise. My Dad and Chuck spent some qualitiy time nearly 3 years ago putting in a difficult dishwasher. Hopefully this one will be easier. The cupboard space isn't great, but it's probably better than what I have here. I will definitely buy a storage cupboard for in the garage for a lot of my smaller appliances. The street is a cul de sac, although the house isn't in the the cul de sac. Our current home is on a very busy cut through road. We are sooooo looking forward to a street with less traffic.

Our home inspection is Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes. I'm so excited. If things work out we will close on both houses on my birthday. The people buying this house want to get in sooner, but we just can't move before the 18th.

That's all for now.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Out of Parquet...And Into Parquet

What a marvelous day it's been!

First, we get fantastic adoption news.

Then, we get fantastic house news. The seller of the home we made an offer on counter-offered something reasonable, so we accepted it! That means we have a house!! Well, it needs to pass a home inspection and a termite and moisture inspection first and appraise, but as long as it does, we have a new home. God is indeed good!!

About the title - we got out of a step called Parquet today in our adoption process. The home we will move into (as long as inspections and the appraisal go well) has parquet floors. Real wood parquet floors.

Yeah for God!!

Great Adoption News!!

We got word today that our paperwork has been released from where it's been stuck (Parquet). Woohoo!! We are thrilled. The next step is the one that makes the adoption final, so we are getting there. After that is the long (and I mean long) wait for passports.

Something kind of funny... the house we put an offer on (and are impatiently waiting to hear about) has parquet floors throughout (except in the bathrooms and kitchen). Kind of ironic.

Now get up an do the happy dance for us because this is great news!!

The Guerilla Lover(s?) Got Us

At our church we like to call ourselves and be "Guerilla Lovers." We want to show God's love to people in such a way that they are kind of overcome by the love.

Well, a guerilla lover or some guerilla lovers got us. Yesterday Chuck found a gift basket on his desk at work addressed to us. Wow! It had some great stuff, but more than that it was someone loving on us. Thank you to whoever you are. It touched our hearts and came just in time. I've been in near-meltdown status for much of the week, and this really helped me refocus. Thank you! It is nice to be loved.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

House News

Gosh, where do I begin? Well, our house appraised where it needed to, so we definitely have to move out. That's a wonderful thing, but I'll be even happier about it when we have a house to move into. I was really sweating the appraisal. We listed our house way above the city assessment amount, but we've done a TON of work to it. Apparently the appraiser so that. Yeah! The last house I posted about didn't work out. The people just weren't ready to move, which is weird since they put their house up for sale, but whatever.

We wrote an offer on a great house this morning. We'll see how it goes. I'm trying not to get too attached to these houses anymore, but I'll tell you that I REALLY like this one. It has plenty of space for us and a screened porch, which I love. I'll let you know when we hear something. Unless God really doesn't want us to be in that house we should be able to negotiate a contract on it.

Chuck scheduled our move for October 17-18. We should close on this house on the 19th at the latest. That is my birthday. So I might just be getting a new house on my birthday. Fun.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I Went to the Bar Last Night...

Last night I spent a few hours attending one of the coolest things I've ever been a part of. Before I tell you about it, I have to give some background information.

Chuck and I have been attending Forefront Church (www.forefront.org) for 5 years now. We've been meeting in a high school auditorium all that time and we have no plans to build a building. I worked there for a period of time as an administrative assistant and now Chuck is on staff there as a Campus Pastor. I always loved Forefront before I worked there, but once I began working there and learned how intentional every single thing they do is, I really fell in love with the church.

We use a lot of humor, really rockin' music, funny skits, pop culture, games, and much more in an attempt to get visitors to uncross their arms and let the music and the message sink in. Before I worked on staff I thought we did all that stuff just to be cool. That's not it at all. We do all that stuff because we want to reach lost people. We don't want to be the cool church in town that all the Christians flock to. We want truly lost people on the road to nowhere walking in our doors. And we get a lot of those people.

The original vision of Forefront was to have different locations all over our area. We live in an area of about 7 big cities and there are all kinds of waterways. Traffic is a mess. So, it's not always likely that a person two towns over will come to our church because it's a long drive. Over two years ago our church started moving in the direction of starting another location, or campus. I've sat in on a lot of training for this church model, so I can tell you that there are many churches across the country who have been very successful with multiple campuses. Logistics are a lot of work to figure out, but once the plan is in place you can keep adding campuses fairly easily. It's an awesome way to reach more and more people. And in our area, it's the only way that our church can reach out beyond our circle.

On October 7th our 3rd campus launches, and Chuck is the Campus Pastor of that location. The preaching at that campus will be video of our Senior Pastor. That campus will also meet in a high school. On Tuesday, October 2nd, our 2nd campus launches. The 2nd location came about because we needed a midweek place to film our Senior Pastor preaching so that on Sunday morning the two campuses would hear the exact same message. God's plan for that video venue turned out to be The White Horse Pub in Pembroke Mall. Last night I went to the first of two practice services for The White Horse Pub location. It was awesome. There were a number of us from our church there, but there was also a bar full of people who didn't mean to, but ended up going to church last night. They enjoyed the music and the message. They didn't go running out the door. They stayed. The owner and his waitstaff enjoyed it too. We brought in a lot more business than they are used to getting on a Tuesday night.

Okay, if you are reading this and you are thinking, "Oh my goodness, this is blasphemy!" I'm going to tell you that you have a right to your opinion. I'm also going to ask you a few questions.
Who is the last lost, and I mean truly lost, person that you successfully reached out to and brought to Jesus. How many non-Christians do you hang out with? How many want to hear what you have to say? How well are you fulfilling the great commission in your own community?

I believe Jesus would preach in the bar, too. He repeatedly reached out to the people the Pharisees wanted nothing to do with. You know why? Because those lost people in the bar are precious to Him. He loves them just as much as He loves you and me. He hasn't given up on them and neither should we. Should we expect that these people will clean up their act and come to church on Sunday morning to hear about Jesus? No. As Christians we should be reaching out to them.

So, I'm pretty excited about what our church is doing. You don't have to be. But I wanted to blog about it because it is seriously one of the coolest things I've ever witnessed.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Update on the Update

We got some not-so-good news. The sellers of the house we made the offer on don't think they can be out soon enough for us. That and they don't want to come to an agreement on the offer either. God can do anything, so if this house is meant to be ours, He will make it so.

That's all for now. I'm going to have a serious talk with God about this now.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Update on the Offer

Ed says it went well. I'm really impressed that he was able to walk in with our offer and keep them interested. Ed gets mad props for that. Yay for Ed!! The sellers want to think about it tonight and should have an answer tomorrow. As much as we want this house, we are asking for God's perfect plan. Plus, with all the other stresses in our life right now, it'd be nice to have a contract on a home. I realize moving is one of the most stressful things you can do, but we will feel better once we have a home under contract.

Your prayers tonight for God's perfect will to be done would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

September Pictures of the Boys


I just got these...enjoy! Samuel is the top photo and Noah is on the bottom.

Making an Offer

Well, we are getting to be pros at writing contracts on homes. We wrote our 3rd contract with Ed today. He's presenting it to the sellers tonight (like anytime now). If you could, please say a few prayers. The sellers don't really know what they are doing (I totally mean that in a nice way - they've lived there 27 years and are selling this home without an agent.) and Ed is going to try to negotiate our contract with them. If you could, please pray specifically for Ed. This is what he's good at, just pray that God gives him the right words and timing of those words. My biggest prayer is that they aren't offended by our offer and shut down immediately.

Another thing: The appraiser came today to appraise our home. Please pray that it appraises where it needs to. The appraiser told me they (whoever "they" are) want the appraisal by Tuesday, so I'm guessing we'll know by Tuesday if it appraised where it needs to.

Thanks!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Obsessed

I'm having one of those nights. I ended up home tonight instead of out with people I'm usually out with on Friday night. I really thought I'd make good use of this time - you know, extra time at home to get things done or read a good book or work on a project.

Well, I did none of those things. As Chuck was walking out the door just before 8 he asked if maybe I could stay off the internet. I made no promises.

Well, nearly 3 hours later I am still on the internet. I got on it right after he left. It is an obsession that I have, brought on by adoption. I didn't even eat dinner, and I rarely miss a meal.

I might be wrong, but I think the only people who can truly understand this obsession are the people who are currently waiting for kids to come home or those who have kids home, but remember the wait. Because I don't have kids at home yet, I'm afforded these opportunities to spend way too much time on the internet.

When you are waiting for kids to come home, any info from said country, your orphanage, or blogs is priceless. To give an example of what this looks like I'll take you on a journey of mouse clicks. I first start with email. Any Cason Adoption specific information comes into my inbox, usually unexpectedly. Once in Outlook, I hit the Send/Receive tab just to be sure that I have all my emails in my inbox. I hit that tab a lot, just to make sure. Next, I go to the Yahoo Groups that I'm involved in. I don't get posts sent to my inbox because that can be overwhelming. I check each group for any new posts. Next I check blogs. I have 15 blogs I like to read, not all of which are adoption specific, but most of them are. A lot of these blogs have links to other blogs, and sometimes (not nearly all the time) I will look at other blogs through these blogs. I usually do this during times like tonight, but I've been known to stay up long past bedtime to read a gazillion blogs. I also check our blog because people can leave comments and I like to read them. I also check our orphanage's website to see if there is anything new there. I google search Haiti. Then, once I've exhausted all Haiti or adoption web surfing I turn to the local news and The Weather Channel. The Weather Channel is important this time of year because of hurricanes. Sometimes I'll check our church's website too. And since we're looking for a new home, I usually look at real estate.

Yes, I know this is obsessive. Now, take the above round of internet surfing and multiply it because I do this over and over again because hey, someone might have emailed me or posted to one of the groups or updated thier blog. It is sick. I agree.

If you are thinking I'm crazy, I don't blame you. I will tell you, though, that the main reason I do this is because I feel closer to the boys when I'm reading about Haiti or someone else's Haitian adoption journey. The other internet stuff is just mindless surfing, which keeps my mind off the fact that my kids are still not home. It is sick. It is my obesession, and maybe one day I'll stop. But until then, I'm just being real about the truth of it all.

We Liked It

Well, Chuck and I went to see the house I mentioned in my earlier post and we really liked it. It is 16 square feet smaller than our current house, but it didn't seem like it. The kitchen is an eat-in kitchen, but it is huge with newer vinyl flooring. I'd say the kitchen is nearly twice the size of our current kitchen. The laundry room is off of the kitchen and a newer washer and dryer come with the house. The fridge is newer, too. The living room isn't big, but it's not too tiny like some other places we've seen. There is a lot of closet space. It has 3 bedrooms and the master bedroom has a half bath. There is newer vinyl flooring and toilets in the bathrooms. The yard is small, which for us is good. Chuck was really stoked to see that it has two sheds out back. Both are really new. One is smaller and would easily store all the yard equipment. The other one is huge and could double as a work space (like with tools kind of work) and an office. If we were to use that as an office, one of the bedrooms could be used as a play room. The house also has new windows. The only drawback is that it needs new carpet desperately. We would also need to paint.

Because it is a "For Sale By Owner" house, we got to meet the owners. They are a sweet couple in their 50's who are ready to move to the Eastern Shore and relax and fish. They seemed to like us, so that is good.

We will meet with Ed in the morning to write an offer on it and see what happens. We won't be offering what they want, so we'll see how it goes. We'd love your prayers as we move forward with this. Thanks!

Update

Thanks, everyone, for the comments on the last post. Here's an update: We accepted the offer on our home. So, we have about 5 weeks before they want to close. We also made an offer on the townhome - an offer of their asking price, plus the amount of closing they said they'd give. And they counter-offered. It's insane! They asked our agent for demographic info on us (I didn't even know that was legal!) and he gave it to them. They want us to agree to lease the house for 6 months in the event that our financing doesn't come through. Apparently they have had two offers fall apart due to financing. We are not going to accept their counter-offer and we are not going to counter-offer back. When we got really honest with ourselves we both admitted we weren't super excited about the place anyway. It would work and it is in the city we want to be in, but we don't think it's the home God has for us.

So, we need to find something, after all we need to be out of our house in 5 weeks. Chuck got the call about the offer while I was gone this morning. When he couldn't reach me by phone he went to grab his laptop to start looking for homes. He really sensed God saying to him, "You don't need to do that. It's not going to help." So, he didn't get his laptop out. I'm really proud of him for that. I'm sure I would have been online in an instant.

When I called him back we talked about the counter-offer and vented our frustrations together. I told him of two properties in the original area we wanted to be in that are on the small side, and we decided we'd not do anything with the offer and start looking for another house. I asked Chuck if he wanted to meet me in the area of those homes so we could drive by them together, and he decided not to. On my way home I decided to drive by on my own. The first house I looked at looked a little rough from outside, so I went to the next one. It had a sold sign on it. I was bummed. I got in my car, turned my head, and noticed that the house right across the street is for sale by owner. They had an information tube, so I went and grabbed a flier. The owner came outside while I was looking at the flier and I spoke with him briefly. Chuck and I are going to look at it in an hour or so. If we like the inside as much as we like the outside, I'll blog about it later. So, that's the scoop. We don't know if this house is the one, but we know the townhome isn't it. Since we accepted an offer on this house, God is going to have to help us find something soon!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

We Got An Offer!!

Yeah!! We got an offer on our house this afternoon. They offered us the full listing price and asked for nearly $8000 in closing cost assistance. They also didn't ask for a home inspection, which is crazy. Right away we thought about counter-offering less in closing cost assistance, but the more we thought about it, we decided against it.

Our home is totally first time home buyer material. It is just over 1000 square feet with 3 bedrooms and one bath. It is a sweet house because we have done a ton of upgrades. So, in thinking about the offer I realized something - this is a first time home buyer (who we happen to know is doing 100% financing) who is probably in the same boat we were in back when we were buying our first home. They probably don't have closing cost money on hand. In this market, a full price offer is not normal. So, I think they made the full price offer so they could ask for more in closing. We are going to accept the offer as well as offer a one year home warranty. We are so excited to be able to accept their offer AND give them more.

We also found something we like. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhome. It has way more space then we have here. But it is definitely a townhome, which is a little hard to accept after living in a single family home. We drove by it really late tonight and we were happy with what we saw after dark. We actually looked at this townhome about 5 weeks ago, but dismissed it at the time because we were hoping to find something in the "coveted area." Last night we saw that it was still available and decided to take another look. About 6 weeks ago a deal fell through on this place just before closing, so the seller is desperate. They are asking $17000 below what it appraised at and they are also offering $5000 in closing cost assistance. Unless God tells us no before morning, we will write up on offer on it tomorrow.

So, that's where things stand. I'll let you know how it all ends up. Quite possibly we could be moving in a month. Wow!!

Monday, September 10, 2007

House Update

Chuck and I have really debated the idea of pulling our house off the market as we go through stressful times with the adoption and the church plant. There have been a few times now where we say, "Okay, now is not the time to be doing this. Besides, no one is even looking at it." Twice now the phone has rang and there are people interested in our house. Last week it was someone coming back for a second look. Usually that's a really good sign. It wasn't for us. Then, this weekend we started talking about it again and Ed called to say someone wanted to look at it yesterday. Then, this morning we were out looking at some houses with Ed and his phone rang. It was the realtor who was with his client at our house yesterday and it sounds like they will be writing up an offer. We'll see how that goes. We'll keep looking at houses, too, because we haven't found one yet.

Anyway, that's the scoop.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Okay, I'm Better Now...

I figured out why I was a crying mess yesterday. PMS. Yup, that was it. I am better now. I sometimes forget the power of hormones!

I want to thank everyone for the comments. They are such a blessing to me. I can't tell you how much it means to know that there are people praying for our adoption and for us when we are down.

Today during worship I sat. I rarely do that, but I needed to cry and be with God. So I did. I've heard somewhere that you should envision the things you want in life as coming true. So I did. I envisioned walking down the corridor at the airport with our boys. I'm believing God that's going to happen one day. I have their homecoming outfits all picked out and I decided that I'd like us all to somehow match. So I envisioned that, too. And I layed it all at God's throne this morning during worship. I told him my heart's desire. I'm trusting Him that it's going to happen.

So again, thanks everyone for your love. Love, Juli

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I Hate To Cry

I don't like to cry. I fight it. Hard. But, eventually I have to let the tears fall.

I wish I knew what triggers my tears. Tonight was a semi-normal night. I went to a get together of ladies who are all old friends. We used to all be in a Gel Group (what our church calls small groups) together. We did life together for a period of time and now we've all moved in other directions. Tonight we gathered together and had a potluck meal together. It was fun. I brought pictures of the boys, and of course had to explain why they are still not home. A lot of people who haven't seen me and Chuck in a while assume the boys are home by now. This makes me sad because it means that they think our kids are home and we didn't tell them. Many of them are people who we will totally tell when we get the call to come and get the boys, even if our relationship isn't as tight as it once was. So many people have had a big part in our adoption process over the last 22 months. Anyway, nothing super out of the normal happened, yet right now I sit here on the verge of tears. Why?

Because I miss my beautiful sons. Because I sometimes wonder if they will ever come home. Will the pictures become a bitter reminder of what could have been? And that is not because of a lack of faith. Having gone through a miscarriage taught me that our kids belong to God and He loans them to us. He gives and takes away (but blessed be His name).

Okay, the tears have made it beyond my eyelashes now. I guess it's time for a good cry.

Our adoption paperwork is STILL stuck. There were files released this week from where they are stuck, but ours weren't among them. More tears.

I am weary tonight. This too shall pass. Thank God.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Welcome Home Wendy

Tonight was a really special night.

We belong to an adoption ministry support group and we have truly come to love all the other families. Many have adopted, many are in the process of adopting, many plan to adopt, and some are just there to support us all. It's an awesome bunch of people. We get together once a month for fellowship and prayer. My favorite thing that we do, though, is that we gather at the airport when an adoptive child comes home. It is always full of joy.

Tonight was the West's turn. They brought home their beautiful daughter, Wendy from Guatemala. It was so special to be there celebrating her homecoming.

On my way to the airport I was struggling. Wendy is the 5th child to come home this year from our group. She is number 3 out of 5 that took FAR LESS time than how long we've waited to bring home our boys.

As I was driving to the airport I was really trying to suck it up. I wanted to be happy for the West's, and I was and still am, but there was this tug in my chest and the thought, "When is it our turn, Lord?" I finally asked Him. I felt bad doing it. His timing is perfect. He's got it all planned. But we've waited a really long time and there's not really any light at the end of our tunnel right now. And after I asked it, I just kept saying, "I want it to be our turn, Lord. I want it to be our turn, Lord." Over and over again. I told Him the desire of my heart.

Eventually I turned the radio on. It was on the Christian radio station and it was nearly the end of the song. I was close to the airport and I asked God to really use the next song on the radio to speak to my heart. Here's the song that came on. I've never heard it before.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Miracle Of The Moment
From the album "The Moment"

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine

And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?

‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

Chorus:
So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat
And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

This was the first time I heard this song. I was shocked at how clearly God answered my prayer. He told me to not miss out on the miracle of the moment. The miracle tonight is that there is another orphan who now has a family. That IS a miracle. And I didn't miss it. I wasn't sucked into self pity. I didn't miss the joy. I'm so thankful God spoke to me so clearly.

I've been questioning some steps I've taken recently in our adoption process. The first lines in the song truly spoke to that. I can't change it. There is no "if only." The song goes on to remind me that God knows the future and it's history to Him. HE KNOWS when our boys will come home. Like the song mentions, I cried tonight. I laughed tonight. And most importantly - I didn't miss the miracle of the moment.

Our moment is coming.

Oh, and in case you didn't know? Steven Curtis Chapman is a huge advocate of adoption. His family has adopted and he has an organization called Shaohannah's Hope that has been established to care for orphans by engaging the church and helping Christian families reduce the financial barriers to adoption.

So yeah, once again God knew exactly how to speak to me in a way that would touch me deeply. He is so good, so faithful, so awesome.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Bigger

Chuck and I are very blessed to be a part of a church that encourages creativity. Our church uses humor, videos, movies, pop culture, games, and secular music to reach out to people far from God. Our church also uses original music, written by our worship pastor. When we first started attending Forefront Church (www.forefront.org), I hated the music. Not because it wasn't good, but because I didn't know any of it. Since then I have totally come to love it. So many of the songs have ministered to me right where I was at in the last 5 years. Yesterday morning I was listening to the song, "Bigger" and I realized that it would be fun to blog about these songs. So, maybe you'll love it or maybe you'll be like me and hate it, but either way - the lyrics are awesome and sure to touch your heart. Here are the lyrics to "Bigger." To find this CD online, go to: http://cdbaby.com/cd/forefrontworship.

Bigger
by Joe Heilman

Picture me playing my part
Picture you calling out my heart
What if this story has no point without You?
What if this story has no joy without You?

Come now, come down,
And wrap me up in bigger plans
Come by here, come near
And hold me tight with stonger hands

Picture me anywhere but here
Picture You meeting me there
What if this story got swallowed up in You?
What if this story got tangled up in You?

Come now, come down,
And wrap me up in bigger plans
Come by here, come near
And hold me tight with stonger hands

The beginning of the song kind of reminds me of where I was at just before inviting Jesus into my life. What would a life following Jesus look like? Would I turn into some dorky Christian? I didn't know. But, I was at a place where I didn't understand the meaning of it all. Why was I here? What was the point? Where was the joy?

The chorus, to me, is an invitation to God. I remember the day I sang the song as a personal invitation to God. We had recently miscarried. God was calling us to adoption. He was also calling Chuck into ministry. How could that be? We are broken people, no different from most of the world. Why would God call us? As I began to understand that it wasn't about who I am - that it's about who I am in Christ - I got to a place where I could invite God to wrap me up in bigger plans. Not grandiose plans. His plans for my life, which are definitely bigger than the plans I have.

The second stanza reminds me of my escapism. When the world around me seems overwhelming I do picture myself anywhere but here. In fact, I often picture myself on the roof of the mission in Seguin, Haiti with the sun rising, the cows mooing, and the sheep baahing. And God does meet me there. He meets me here, too. The lines about my story getting swallowed up and tangled up in God reminds me of how God meets us where we are at and completely changes our life. When I think of the drunk girl on the road to nowhere that I was 10 years ago, I know for sure that my story has gotten completely swallowed up and tangled up in God. Who I am in Christ is so far from who I was on my own. God has been so good and merciful to me. He has indeed wrapped me up in bigger plans. He does come by here and He STAYS near.