A Dream and New Faith

I had a wonderful dream on Saturday night. I must start off by saying that I almost never dream about our boys or our adoption process. Actually, I hardly ever dream.

In my dream I was in this great big room in Haiti, probably as big as a large gymnasium. There were tons of people - white and black, adults and kids. In this room appointments were happening that were making it possible for kids to go home to their forever families. It was loud and chaotic, but everyone was happily waiting to be called. There was happiness in the room because all the Haitian kids were very close to going home. Their American families were there with them. I watched as one family got called. They were adopting two Haitian kids. I began to cry so hard when they got called because I knew that meant they were very close to going home. Pictures of the Haitian kids were taken for their passports so that the passports could be made. Then they waited to get their passports.

In my dream I knew that it wasn't our turn. In fact, Chuck and the boys weren't there. It was like I was getting to watch it all happen. I wasn't upset at all that it wasn't our turn. I was just so thrilled to see that these kids were finally getting to go home.

I woke up with so much hope. If you know me well, you know that I wake up cranky. Not yesterday morning. I woke up very peaceful and thankful. God doesn't use dreams as an avenue to speak to me, so I'm not counting on my dream to predict anything. But, I believe that it was God's peace I woke up feeling yesterday.

My mom says that she's believing that our boys are coming home in August. From an adoption process perspective, that is absurd. But, I totally appreciate her faith. She has decided to fast from coffee until her grandson's are home and she's trusting God to honor that fast.

I've built this wall of protection around my heart because I really believed our boys would be home months ago. Because of that wall of protection I no longer pray for a specific month or hope that they'll be here for certain occasions. In fact, when people say, "When do you think they'll come home?" I won't even give a general timeframe answer anymore because it hurts too much when the proposed month passes. So, I guess my faith in all of this has given way to practicality and I don't believe our God is a practical God. I say that because of all the added bonuses He's included in life.

I sat outside last night and watched the fireflies (or lightning bugs) in my sister's backyard. God created a bug that lights up for a second or so as it flies around. Now is that practical? No, it's one of God's added bonuses. It's something special He made just for us. Can God bring our boys home next month? Absolutely! He could get them here today if He wanted to. So why do I doubt that He could get them here next month? The answer is easy: Because if that's not His will and I hope that it is I will be hurt. Again.

And this is the question that I come to this morning: Is faith in God's awesome ability to do whatever the heck He wants worth a little pain on my part? I have to answer yes. How could I not? Now I just need to put it into practice and luckily I have His strength within me to do just that. So as of today I will begin asking God to bring our boys home next month. I will kick down the wall around my heart and ask God for the unpractical, believing with all my heart that He can do it.

Sorry for rambling. I guess I needed to type all of that to get to this new place of faith.