To Clarify...

First of all, I want to thank those of you who left comments on the "True Colors" post. I've decided not to publish any comments on that post. I should have turned off comments to begin with; I apologize.

In regard to the Yahoo group - I've learned that all families with children home outside of staff are removed from the group. That is not how the group has always worked and that is why I was so surprised to be removed. Apparently the group is now for families in process only. So, again, I'd love to hear from families once your kids come home. I've met many of you on trips or on the group and I'd love to know that your kids are finally home.

In regard to hiding my pregnancy. Chuck and I made the decision not to share that I was pregnant for a few reasons, however we did update our homestudy stateside and have it submitted to USCIS. We decided to keep it quiet from FHG and anyone in Haiti. The reason we didn't post it on the blog is because our blog has our last name in it and anyone in Haiti who signed off on our adoption could very easily look us up on the internet, and of course, anyone from FHG could have read about it, too. Our adoption was complete in Haiti when we learned I was pregnant. All that was left was passports and visas. We were concerned, however, that someone in Haiti might abuse their power in issuing our passports. This type of thing happens in Haiti all the time. Ridiculous requests for additional information have been made by power hungy Haitian officials. We chose not to share with FHG that I was pregnat because, well, we didn't trust them. I don't like saying that publicly like this, but based on some communication I've received I feel like I need to be honest about that. We were in a position with FHG that we didn't feel like the best interest of our children or ourselves would be upheld. In addition, because our adoption decrees had been issued, we didn't think it was necessary to disclose my pregnancy to FHG. The adoption was complete, it was just a matter of getting passports and visas issued.

And finally, on the topic of not recommending FHG I have a few additional comments. How long we waited is not the driving force of my lack of recommendation. It should be taken into serious condideration, though, if you are a family looking to adopt from Haiti. Wait times are long in general right now. Ours was even longer than long, though. There are many other concerns that keep us from recommending FHG and it just doesn't seem appropriate today to list those concerns here.

Pregnancy Blog

When I was pregnant with Tristan I kept an anonymous blog. We were afraid that my pregnancy would cause problems with our adoption on the Haiti side of things.

Anyway, now that he is here and the boys have made it home, I've decided to integrate the pregnancy blog into this one.

I don't label my posts, but I did put a "Pregnancy" label on all the posts I've incorporated from the old blog. I didn't leave anything out, accept for the comments.

Happy reading if you're interested.

True Colors

Well, For His Glory Outreach has shown me some of their true colors, yet again.

I logged onto my Yahoo Groups this morning to find that I'm no longer a member of the For His Glory group. I did not remove myself as a member and was given no indication by the moderator that I would be removed.

The case could be made that I don't post on that group or that my kids are home. But, the truth is, plenty of the members have their kids home and plenty of them don't post.

Last year Chuck and I were one of the families that signed a petition asking very pointed questions. We also had some of our own personal concerns about the leadership, which we addressed directly with the Board of Directors. And then we waited another year before our kids came home - interesting, huh?

In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, I was removed from that group simply because I have questioned them in the past. I guess that it doesn't matter to them that I have a true concern for the kids in the orphanage and for the families still waiting to bring their kids home. So, if you are a family still waiting and you read this blog, please share with me when your kids come home. I pray for you and I'd love to know that those prayers have been answered.

I don't want to be vague, so I will plainly say that if you are looking for an orphanage in Haiti to adopt through, I do not recommend For His Glory Outreach, which works with Maison des Enfants de Dieu. If you are working with an agency, some agencies work with Maison as well. Our experience turned sour once we started asking questions. Now, I know some of you who are still waiting don't agree with our feelings for FHG. However, we did not have a good experience and that is the truth. I would suggest that until you walk a mile (for over two and a half years) in our shoes that you not be too quick to comment on what I've posted.

Some will say that by posting this I'm showing a lack of concern for the kids in the orphanage. That is not true. I care deeply for those kids. I visited with them 5 times. I got to know the kids. I know some of the kids still waiting for families. However, I cannot recommend FHG based on the experience we've had. Things need to change before I could make that recommendation. It would be unfair to a family new to Haitian adoption for me to say all was rosy with our adoption. It was not. It got very ugly at times. Very ugly. It's not my intention to share publicly the details, unless led by the Lord to do so.

That's all I have to say about that.

Brain Dump

Okay, so I haven't posted much lately and there's been a lot on my mind. Unfortunately I haven't even whipped out the camera in over a week, so I don't have any pictures to post. We did have some pictures of our family taken last weekend when we were at Lake Michigan. I'm waiting for those pictures to be sent to me so that I can share them here. They are the first family pictures we've had taken other than all the pictures taken at the airport. Speaking of which, if you have any pictures of us from that night, please share them with us. We don't have any pictures from our homecoming. Here's a bullet list of what's been happening.

• Our trip to and from MI went really well. These kids travel well. They also sleep well in other environments. I wondered if they'd be afraid to sleep in new places, but they were A-OK.
• I'm taking an infant massage class and I'm loving it. Tristan is loving it, too. Plus, the lady who taught our childbirth classes teaches this class and I love her. We go on Tuesday nights.
• Chuck has been really great about letting me get out in the evenings. Last night I got to hang out with my friend Nicole. It was soooo good.
• Thank you to everyone who left comments on my diapers and wipes post. I joined BJ's last night and purchased some Luv's for the twins. I'm trying a number of different diapers out on Tristan. He has had two blowouts in the Pampers, so I'm not sure I'll be sticking with them.
• I'm getting more and more comfortable with three kids. I'm not freaked out anymore when I'm home alone with all three. Sometimes one of them has to sit in a dirty diaper longer than I like or they have to wait for a snack. Much of the time my house is not clean. Not clean at all. But we are getting by and feeling better about it. I was seriously freaked out for a while there. I think a big part of that was just the need to get used to our new way of life around here. We are shifting into a new normal. I do miss the older, simpler days of getting up when I wanted to and going where I want when I want, but I wouldn't trade this for the world.
• Yesterday Tristan had his 2 month check up (yeah, at 10 weeks). He was 13 lbs 14 oz and 25 inches long. He is a big boy. He got two shots and screamed louder than he ever has before and turned redder than ever before, but he calmed down soon after. I've been reading a ton about immunizations. It is really popular to not immunize, it seems. I believe there are definite risks associated with immunizations and if Tristan had health issues or was a small fry, we probably would have done things differently, but we've decided that the risk of catching some of those diseases is greater than the risk of the immunizations themselves. I'm not posting this for a debate or even a discussion - just sharing our decision on it.
• Chuck has been sick for quite a while now. He has a chest cold that just won't go away. He went to the Dr and she didn't treat the cold, but gave him 2 of inhalers and a nasal spray and wants to see him again in a month about his chronic cough. She thinks he has asthma, even though he's been tested repeatedly. Two days ago Chuck's eyes started to itch. This morning he looked like a total stoner when he woke up. I made him go to Patient First and he has bacterial pink eye. Yeah, don't go shaking his hand! The Dr told him that his cold is pushing itself out through his eyes. Sick! When you add together the eye infection, the cold that won't go away, his constant back issues (Chuck had a lower lumbar fusion done in 2005 and has chronic pain because of it), and the plantar fasciitis that he developed during our trip to pick up the boys, it seems pretty obvious that he's under some kind of attack.
• About a year and a half ago my Dr was concerned I might be on the verge of developing Type 2 Diabetes. Normal blood sugar tests on me always come back normal, but my A1C level was at the high end of normal. She decided to put me on a Type 2 Diabetes medication. I did that for 6 months and modified my diet for most of that time so that I was following the Diabetic Diet. When I saw the Dr in December my A1C level had come down significantly. By then I was pregnant so she turned me over to my OBGYN for care. They suggested I still take the medication, but I wasn't comfortable doing so pregnant. I was tested twice for gestational diabetes, but thankfully never developed it. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, but still overweight, I've decided to go back to following that diet. I have not gone back on the medication, and hope that by dieting and (hopefully!) losing weight I will not need medication. By dieting I mean following the Diabetic Diet. Because I'm breastfeeding I will still consume more calories since I need to.
• This adjustment into mommyhood hasn't been easy for me. I find myself sometimes wishing I only had a baby to take care of or that I wish I only had the twins to take care of. Either of those two scenarios would be so much easier than what we have going on here. Don't be mistaken - I want all my kids and I want them all now. Just some wishful thinking when the going gets rough around here. I just feel very tied to the house with all three of them. Going out with Chuck is a lot of work. Trying to get out on my own with all three just seems impossible. I'd love to take the boys to the park during the day, but how do I play with the boys, keep them safe, and carry the baby around? I never thought I'd want or need a triple stroller, but I'm starting to change my mind on that. I'll definitely be watching Craig's List. I have a double side by side stroller that holds Tristan's car seat and we definitely use that a bunch. I'm just now starting to see the benefit of having them all in one stroller together with no one walking.
• I busted out the Sit and Spin's on Thursday. The boys LOVE THEM. So does Chuck. He spun so fast that he nearly puked.
• In the mornings Chuck gets up with the twins, gets their breakfast for them, and bathes them every other day. (Yeah, I am a totally blessed woman. I am married to THE MAN!) He also usually gets them dressed. I really enjoy seeing what he dresses them in. The boys have definitely been stylin' these past few days.
• I will have to do a post on some of the funny things the boys say in Creole. It truly is a post all in itself, but I will tell you now that ALL animals are either a Mimi or at Tutu. All winged creatures are Poo-la's. Poul is chicken. I'm not sure why they add the la. More on this in a post another day.
• Tristan used to hate his car seat. We took the head bumper thing out and he is much happier. He is totally good with his head now. No more bobble-head baby around here.
• Tristan and I went to a baby shower today for a little girl. I was having some serious girl-baby envy. It is no secret that we were hoping Tristan would be a girl. We had twin boys on the way. I'm so happy that Tristan is a boy, though. Seeing all those cute pink things today made me really want a baby girl. But, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Such a dilemma!

That's pretty much all I can think of that's been happening around here. I'll try to get the Creole post up in the next few days.

10 Weeks

Today Tristan is 10 weeks old! I can't believe how the time has flown. He is such a joy. His little baby smile just melts my heart. And my heart breaks when I see him in pain from his reflux. I just thank God for choosing me to be his mommy.

10 weeks old has special sentiment for me because we committed to adopt the twins when they were just 10 weeks old. As I look at Tristan, I can't believe that the boys were that small when we first began their adoption. In fact, they were probably smaller since Tristan is a chunk.

10 weeks has also put a good distance between me and my horrible c-section experience. God has healed my body and continues to mend my heart. I'm not sure I'll really ever get over being in so much pain that I couldn't be excited about seeing Tristan for the first time. That still breaks my heart to think about it. Only a handful of people saw me in those first few hours and days after giving birth and they know how wrecked I was over the whole thing. In fact, our childbirth class teacher was in the hospital and saw me the day after Tristan was born. As I told her of my experience I broke down crying. I'm now taking an infant massage class with her and she has mentioned a few times what a hard time I had early on and has asked with genuine concern how I'm doing now. I rarely let my feelings show like that, so you know I was in bad shape if I was letting it all hang out like that.

The truth is that time does heal. Yes, I remember the pain, but it's not so glaring anymore. The same is true of the adoption. We had a long, harrowing, painful wait. But now that the boys are home, that pain is distant. It's still there and I pray I never forget so that I can stand alongside other adopting friends, but it is definitely a distant pain.

Diapers and Wipes

Okay, everyone, I need your feedback.

Chuck and I were given a ton of diapers and wipes, and we've finally gone through them all. Well, we didn't go through all the baby's diapers, but I had to return his because they leaked. They were Walgreen's brand. I had heard good things about Walgreen's diapers, but Tristan just blows out the sides of them almost every single diaper.

I'm wondering what your favorite diapers and wipes are and why. I also want to know where you buy them and where you get the best deals. I used to belong to BJ's and Sam's Club and I'm wondering if I should join again and buy my diapers there.

Here's what I know about what works and doesn't work and what I like and don't like. Luv's work for the twins. Where's the best place to buy them? At night I use Huggies Overnights and they work great. Again, where can I buy these cheapest? Target diapers also work for them, but I'm wondering if I can get Luv's cheaper elsewhere. It's my goal to get the boys potty trained soon, but with the language barrier that may take some time. I'm sure I'll be using the Overnights for a while.

For the baby I LOVE Pampers. I don't love how much they cost, even with coupons. When he was first born I used Huggies and I think those worked well for him, too. I just haven't bought them in size 2 yet (yes, he's in a size 2 already...). I haven't tried any other diapers on him.

In wipes I've been using Huggies Natural Care Unscented. I've been buying these at the commissary (military grocery store) and Walmart. I usually have a coupon. I like Pampers wipes, too, but find the Huggies cheaper. I don't like Target wipes because they leave behind lint. I also tried the Chub's brand at Babies R Us and I don't like how they smell.

So please, if you have kids in diapers, let me know what you like and don't like and how to get the best deal. I would love to go out on my own and price diapers and wipes, but it's not going to happen anytime soon.

Thanks!

Square Peg in a Round Hole

Last winter my friend Jen and I decided to put together the race car beds for the boys. We figured it would be super easy and quick.

We were wrong.

We fought and fought with those beds. They came with the. lamest. directions. ever. On one of them we had to drill a hole to make it fit together right. We broke out in a sweat putting those beds together and it was winter!

Putting those beds together reminds me of the last 6 weeks. Yes, believe it or not, the twins have been home for six weeks now. My oh my how life has changed in those six weeks. Actually, it changed the moment we took them into the airport in Hait.

The hardest part for me has been losing my freedom and independence. I'm an on-the-go kind of gal. I'm not anymore. There are three little people who need me most of the time. I love being needed by them. I love them. I just struggle with the loss of independence. And it's triple fold. There was no easing into parenthood for Chuck and me. Wham... it happened.

Never has the idea of "dying to self" been more on my mind. I'm a selfish person. I am. I know we all are to some extent, but I am really selfish. When I think of dying to self I think of Linda. I've known Linda for over 8 years now and in that time I've watched her consistently serve her family. It's just what she does, whether she wants to or not. And she does it joyfully. That's how I want to be. I want to learn to die to self in such a way that I'm able to joyfully serve my family. I'm not there yet.

This whole dying to self and instant threefold parenthood has made me feel like a square peg trying hard to fit into a round hole. It has not come natural. It is not an easy fit, but I am being more and more molded. God is definitely at work in me and has done so much in my heart over the last six weeks. These weeks have been hard. Balancing a newborn with the homecoming of the twins has not been easy, but God is showing me more and more how to do it. I've learned to ask for help and accept help. God is good in all of this; whether it comes easy or hard.

On a side note, our family is in Holland, MI this weekend. It is freezing here. Freezing! We are having a good time, though. All three boys have been great in the van. If you think to, please pray for Chuck. He's been sick for six weeks now and is not getting any better. He is feeling pretty rough today. Thanks.

5 Pounds!

Well, Noah and Samuel aren't the only people in this house who've gained 5 lbs.

No, it wasn't me or Chuck. We are both actually losing weight keeping up with these little people.

That leaves Tristan. He has gained 5 lbs since birth. At 8 1/2 weeks he is 13 lbs 9 oz. Wow!!

Week in Review

Wow. It's been a week since I blogged. Sorry about that! A lot has happened this week.

• Sunday we went to church again. Tristan did great in the nursery. Chuck kept the boys during worship and communion so I could go into service. That was great! Then I took the boys to the two year old class and hung out with them. They did really well playing with playdough and joining in the classroom activities.
• Monday we took the kids to our Bible Study group. One of us has been staying home with the kids, but we decided to try taking the kids and it went well. I stayed in the childcare room and the boys had a lot of fun. They cried when it was time to leave. Noah discovered his love for baby dolls and purses while there. That freaked Chuck out a little. Ever since he has been treating his Spiderman like a baby. Chuck saw him nursing it this morning. He holds it and burps it and kisses it, too.
• Samuel has some serious machin (mah-sheen) love. Machin means car (or truck or bus...). He sees machins everywhere. Even if they are some miniscule part of the background, that is what he zeroes in on. I'm so so glad we did the Car's theme in their room. When he realized he sleeps in a machin he was beside himself with joy. He was kissing his cars one evening this week. He does not even kiss us. He accepts kisses, but I guess he only gives them out to machins for now.
• Wednesday our friend Erwin came over to watch Tristan during bedtime for the twins. He has been coming over on Wednesdays and we love having him here and Tristan loves him, too. Plus he usually brings us food, and that's a blessing! We watched some House, MD that night, which we love to do.
• Thursday our friend Suzy came over for dinner and to watch Tristan during bedtime. She brought a chocolate pie, which the boys wouldn't eat. Samuel ate the graham cracker crust because he thought it was bread. They are just not into new things. Even if they like it, they usually take a few tries before they will really eat it. We've been making them try things. No, we don't force food down their throats if that's what you're thinking. We just firmly tell them to try it and they usually do.
• On Thursday and Friday Chuck took the boys to a nearby municipal airport to watch the planes. When they were watching helicopters take off and land Chuck taught the boys to tell the helicopters to "chita" (shee-tah) as they were landing. Chita means sit down. The boys thought that was hilarious. Chuck says they have quite the fan club at the airport.
• Thursday night we finished up season four of House after the twins were sleeping. Have I mentioned we love some House?
• Yesterday the boys went back to the doctor for some more immunizations. Samuel was referred to a pediatric orthopaedic doctor for his legs. The doctor says he has Blount's Disease. We are doing another stool sample to see if their Giardia is gone. We are wondering if maybe Samuel still has it, so we are glad the doctor is retesting. Noah may have ringworm on his head, so we were given a prescription for that, too, as well as a particular shampoo to use on both the boys. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that they have each gained 5 POUNDS in four weeks. Those two can eat!
• Last night our friend Dominique came over to hang out. We were running late getting the twins to bed so she watched Tristan for us while we put them to bed. Then she and I hung out.
• Thursday night Tristan slept for NINE hours. He is now a moving sleeper. We lay him down at one end of the crib and he wakes up at the other. He can be quite the grump and has a mean furrow in his eyebrows when he is unhappy about something, but the boy wakes up happy and cooing in the morning. In fact, when he wakes up I don't always know it right away because he doesn't cry. This morning he officially laughed! I was tickling him and he definitely laughed.
• We are planning a trip to Michigan soon. If you saw my lists for what we need to bring, you'd be amazed. I tend to overpack and with kids I know I will definitely bring more than what I need. Just pray it all fits in the van. We are borrowing a rooftop carrier, so that should help.
• We are planning to buy a swingset from Walmart soon. If you've bought one of the wooden swingsets from there, please let me know if you like it. Or, if you want to recommend a different one, please leave me a comment. We are looking to spend around $300.
• We are getting low on plastic bags, so if you have any you want to get rid of, please let us take them from you.
• Okay, that's all for now. Happy Saturday!

Tristan, 7 Weeks

I went to Babies R Us to pick up a gift card this morning and got suckered into having pictures of Tristan taken. I got a free 5X7 out of the deal, though. I didn't end up buying any since the cheapest package was $80. If I'm going to spend $80 all three of the kids are going to be photographed.

Anyway, isn't he cute??!!

4 Weeks Already

Four weeks ago I spent my last night as a mommy in waiting for my long awaited sons. Yes, I had Tristan with me, but there was still an emptiness in my heart that could only be filled once Noah and Samuel were in my arms.

I can't believe it's been four weeks. The first couple of weeks are just a blur in my mind. I'm glad we took pictures and I'm glad I blogged. I spent most of that time terrified. I'm still scared, but I'm not living in fear every moment like I was in the beginning. In some ways it's like they've always been here. In other ways I'm still very much aware of the freedom that I no longer have. It's been said that you forget the pain of the wait once your kids are home. I still remember it. I'm just so busy now that I don't have much time to think about it.

It is amazing to me how resilient these two are. I'm so thankful they have each other. They have grown (physically, too!) by leaps and bounds in this short amount of time. They are beginning to put English words together. They totally understand most of what we say to them in English. Today Noah wanted to stand up and he said, "Stand up." I'm amazed by the ways they are adjusting to our family. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be ripped from everything they knew, but you'd never know it now.

I know that so many of you who read have prayed for us. Thank you. Thank you so much. Your prayers have kept us afloat. God is good and He has given us way more than we could handle in our own strength. We have learned to lean on Him more and ask for help. People have helped us tremendously. Yesterday was the first time I've cooked a real meal since I had the baby. That is amazing. We've had friends come over in the evenings so we can focus on the twins at bedtime. It is humbling to ask for that kind of help. My pride says, "Juli, come on. You can handle this. All kinds of people handle three kids. Why can't you? Just suck it up." And the good news is that I've still asked for help. At my small group on Monday night I broke down and cried and it was a safe place to do that. We are so blessed to be loved and supported like we are.

Chuck is feeling under the weather, so if you could, please say a prayer for his health. He really wants me to have a night off tomorrow (Friday) night. There's a group of friends that get together on Friday nights that I haven't seen in a long time. If he's well enough, I will get to go and see them. I'm really looking forward to it.

Well, it's late, and morning comes quite early for me now. I've been up since 5:30 and it's likely that tomorrow will start early, too, since Tristan fell asleep while eating and I couldn't get him to finish. Thanks for checking in on us.

Pa Kriye

Pa Kriye (paw kree-aye) is something we say to the boys. It means, "Don't cry." We use it most when they are whining, but we sometimes say it if they've hurt themselves and we're trying to settle them down.

Poor Chuck has taken more hits to his manhood since the boys have been home than all of his life. They have seriously hurt him a few times. Just now it happened again. Samuel stepped on him. Chuck moaned in pain and Samuel said to him, "Pa Kriye."

Not sure if Samuel was approaching it from the "you got hurt and I'm trying to comfort you" angle or the "don't whine" angle. Either way it was hilarious.

Pictures, Finally

Tristan, 4 weeks old.

Playing with Daddy. Daddy's pretending to be asleep.

Abut 60 lbs of love in Daddy's arms.

Grandma and Tristan.

The picture doesn't do this justice. I was changing Noah's diaper. I was right there. And still he managed to get ahold of the baby powder and sprinke his face with it. How did this happen??

First time at church.

They looked so cute in these hoodies.

Samuel's first ride at the park.

Noah's first ride at the park.

Playing with Daddy.

Tristan, 5 weeks old.

Look how big he is getting!

Love those feet!

Right after a bath.

Riding Daddy.

They love these hats.

Samuel and Daddy. Second time at the park.

Noah riding with Daddy.

Samuel loved the swings and had no fear.

Noah wasn't so sure about the swings and needed Daddy close.

Great Grandma Cason made the quilts on their beds.

Sleeping beauty.

Definitely boys - they loved playing in this box.

Tristan trying out the bumbo seat.