Am I losing it?

There are some things I've done, said, or thought that have really made me wonder if I'm losing it. Thought I'd share some:

• In the early days of the twins being home we watched way too much Playhouse Disney. In case you are unfamiliar with the a.m. lineup, it is hosted by two monkeys. They check the monkey mail, introduce the next show, and do some other things, too. One weekend we had the tv on and I was surprised they "worked on the weekend." In fact, for a moment I was really impressed with their "work ethic," that even though they were the front men throughout the week, they still worked the weekend.
• I try to color coordinate Tristan's pacifier with his outfit. I really love it when it matches well.
• I sometimes speak Creole to Tristan. Not because I want him to learn it, but more because I realize he doesn't speak English yet. It's like I'm trying to help him understand better, like I do with the twins when they aren't responding to English.
• When I was still pregnant and we knew that the boys were coming home soon, I thought through so many variations of travel plans. Like, up to a certain point I would fly to FL, but not into Haiti. This made me wonder what I'd do if I went into labor while Chuck was in Haiti. We also thought about if Tristan was here - would I fly into Haiti? One day I had obviously been obsessing about it for too long because I was trying to figure out what I'd do if I was in FL with Tristan and went into labor while Chuck was in Haiti. Umm, yeah, I'm probably not going to go into labor if the baby is already here!
• The other day I was giving Noah some medicine for a fever, only it wasn't Noah! I was trying to give it to Samuel. Thankfully it was only ibuprofen and I caught myself.
• I have referred to Chuck as, "buddy" or "bud." This is something I call the kids. "Sure, buddy." "Hi, buddy." "What's up, bud?" Chuck has heard it all.
• I sometimes answer Chuck in Creole. By accident.
• We have a dvd player in the van. We usually only use it if we are going to be in the van for a while. If you don't turn it off when you turn the van off, it picks right back where you left off. Even if you fold the screen up, the audio still plays (and the kids know the audio and then want to watch the video). Well, one morning we went out on a quick errand and the audio popped on when I turned the van on. I assumed the screen was unfolded, so even though it was a quick trip and I wanted to listen to some worship music, I didn't want to hear the whining. So, I let them "watch" the movie. When we got to our destination I realized the screen was folded up and they were half asleep. I totally could have listened to my music!

This post really only scratches the surface. This kind of stuff happens all the time!

Another Update

Monday night - good. Only one wake up session.

Tuesday night - bad. Very bad.

Wednesday night - good. Only one wake up, but up for the day too early.

Someone told me this will take a week. Halfway there, thank God.

Unswaddled Update

There was little sleep had last night. Lot's of crying.

Arms are still an issue.

I'm tired and I miss the Swaddle Me.

Another Milestone

We have swaddled Tristan for sleep since birth. I never expected we'd be swaddling a 6 month old, 18 lb baby, but we did. Loose arms meant little sleep for Tristan and us.

This morning during his nap, Tristan rolled over while swaddled. His rolling skills have been growing and he took them to a new level with the swaddle. So, we have to finally let go of the swaddle at 6 months, 1 week. We've done one nap and one bedtime now. Tristan went down each time with a fight.

I wondered how we'd ever give it up and now it is over. It seems like time is flying and he is doing something new every day. Chuck lowered his crib tonight, too. My baby is growing up.

Am I a total freak for being emotional about this??!!

Language

In just the last few weeks, it seems, the twins have really begun to grasp the English language. I would read on the blogs of others about how quickly their kids picked up English and I'd wonder if something was wrong. For nearly five months the boys didn't speak much English at all. They spoke mainly Creole to each other. While they understood everything we said in English, it just seemed like they were never going to speak it.

That has all changed.

Everyday I hear something new. Not only are they saying new words, but they are forming sentences correctly and using proper pronouns, etc.

Just a few minutes ago Noah was whining because his favorite toy rolled under the playpen. He wanted me to get it, but he hadn't tried to get it himself. After he tried I asked Samuel if he would help Noah. Samuel abosolutely loves to help out like that. He got down on the floor and exclaimed, "I see it!"

Yesterday the boys wanted dinner, but we weren't going to be eating anytime soon. When they asked about dinner I told them, "Not yet" to which they replied, "Soon?" And I said, "No, not soon." Then Noah said, "A while?" It's these little things that just completely catch me off guard and help me to realize that they are learning.

On Friday I asked Noah, "Do you like it?" He replied, "I like it." It is such progress from the standard "yes" or "no."

Another thing that I heard recently had to do with the cat. The twins like to yell at, chase, and in general terrorize the cats. It is all based out of their own fear of them and they never touch them. I saw Noah chasing Sabrina down the hall and I said, "Noah!" He replied, "Sabrina my friend?" Chuck has been teaching the boys that the cats are our friends, that we love them, etc.

Chuck has also taught the boys that in response to "What's up?" they should respond with, "Yo mama." It is hilarious. Noah said it to someone at church and the guy turned to me and said, "Did he just say what I think he said?" To which I responded, "Yes, Chuck is teaching them the important stuff."

A word that is getting all sorts of new use is NO. "No sleep." "No diaper." "No eat." "No bath." Along with the recent language acquisition has come a new level of autonomy. This has meant more whining, fussing, and temper tantrums. Good times. The good news in this is that they aren't afraid to tell us what they want (or don't want!) and need. Children with attachment difficulties can have a hard time sharing their wants and needs. Noah and Samuel have no problem letting us know when they want to eat or need some water, when they want to watch a movie or play with a particular toy or listen to music.

I've just been so amazed with their language lately and I'm so thankful we are able to communicate better.

Broken, Bruised, and Back

The last couple of weeks have been a nice break from the blog, but I've done enough thinking and praying. I'm back.

I immediately missed blogging about the kids. I realized that I count on the blog as a place I can document what the kids are doing. When Tristan figured out the Jumperoo, I wanted to blog about it. As the boys said new words and had new-found understandings, I wanted to blog about it. So, the number one purpose of this blog will be to keep track of what our kids are up to.

As I have in the past, I will probably continue to blog about other stuff, too. I have found that I like to write. Writing stuff out gets it out of the swirl that is my head. It gives me new perspective. This blog has also helped me gather a wealth of information when I've needed answers. You all have helped me with a bunch of questions and I so appreciate that I can put a question out there and get some responses.

I want to make it clear, though, that if you read my blog you are only getting a small taste of our life here. I don't put everything on the blog. To know me is not to read my blog. And for me to know you is not to read a 12 word comment that you've left for me. I have examined why I read the blogs of others. I have found that the blogs I like to read are of people that I really do care about. It may have started out as an interest in their lives (most are somehow connected to Haiti or adoption), but the blogs I continue to read are of people for whom I have developed a true concern.

If you've been reading for any length of time, you've figured out that I'm a broken person receiving grace from a very loving God. I mess up all the time. I'm not the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or friend, and most of the time I'm not even good at being these things. I've hurt people and some of those relationships seem to be unrepairable. My past is sketchy. In fact, today marks ten years since I was arrested for drunk driving. BUT, and it's a big but, today I have God in my life. And He was always there but I didn't always know it. And then for a while I knew it but chose not to accept the grace offered. Today I am fully aware of my constant need of His grace and presence in my life.

The last 6 months have been something else. For some of us there is such an adjustment to parenthood. For others it seems to happen so naturally. It was a huge adjustment for me; times three. People have had many things to say about how God brought our kids all at once. I think the thing I appreciate most is when people say, "I can't imagine." And they are right. You can't. I have a hard time imagining it and I'm living it. Most people have been so full of grace for us as we navigate this new territory and I'm so grateful for that. But some people have been kind of heartless about it all. A few people have told Chuck that perhaps God is punishing us. Ummm, if God says anything about children, it's that He loves them dearly and that they are a blessing. I don't think He'd swarm us with kids to punish us. Locusts, yes. Kids, no. I can be really hard on myself and think, "Gosh Juli, all kinds of people have three or more little kids. Why is this so hard for you?" And I'm pretty sure some other people have thought that, too. But, the reality is that most people don't go from a very freedom filled life with no children to three little children that make it just about impossible to go anywhere. So, to deal with this whole new life and new level of dying to self while being judged by some has sucked. Sorry, there's just not a nicer word to describe that. And perhaps the hardest thing to deal with in all of this is the abandonment we've experienced by some people. We couldn't bring people into our world early on with the twins. We tried to communicate that well. But we lost some people in that. And it hurts.

So, to wrap things up, I'm back. This blog is more for me than anyone else. If no one ever reads it again, it would be okay. If you want to know me, not virtual Juli, I'd love to hear from you.

Pictures!

You know you want to eat him up, too!

I love this look.

Happy!

They think they're something else chillin' in our bed.

Reading some Suess.

If only all the moments were like this one.

Cutie Pie!

Chuck's bday.

Brothers!

When the teething ring is missing, a finger will do!

PJ Party!

I figured I'd post these pics rather than wait until March. Enjoy.

Taking Time Off

I'm thinking that I'm not going to blog during the month of February. I need a break. I realize that I don't blog super frequently - that I take lots of breaks - but they are with guilt. If I tell you I'm not blogging this month, if I tell myself, then I won't feel guilty about it.

I live pretty transparently here on the ole blog, but I don't share everything. Some things are just not meant for the world wide web. I have a whole lot of unsharable stuff going on right now - lost friendships, family stuff, medical stuff, drama, etc. A lot of sadness. A lot of loss. And while I could just post the happy stuff, it seems untruthful and shallow to do that with how I'm feeling about much of my life.

Plus I'm trying to reconcile the idea of, "I don't need to talk to you. I just read your blog." I've had a few people tell me that. I'm not okay with that. I need to put some thought into the purpose of this blog, what I share here, and whether or not I want to continue. I may have "blog friends," but I need tangible fellowship with my friends, too. I read a lot of peoples' blogs, but I wouldn't call all of them my friends. So why do I do that? Am I just being nosy? Am I interested in their lives? Do I truly care about them? These are all some of the questions I'm going to think about this month.

So, I should be back in March. Maybe before, maybe not. I just don't know.