Broken, Bruised, and Back

The last couple of weeks have been a nice break from the blog, but I've done enough thinking and praying. I'm back.

I immediately missed blogging about the kids. I realized that I count on the blog as a place I can document what the kids are doing. When Tristan figured out the Jumperoo, I wanted to blog about it. As the boys said new words and had new-found understandings, I wanted to blog about it. So, the number one purpose of this blog will be to keep track of what our kids are up to.

As I have in the past, I will probably continue to blog about other stuff, too. I have found that I like to write. Writing stuff out gets it out of the swirl that is my head. It gives me new perspective. This blog has also helped me gather a wealth of information when I've needed answers. You all have helped me with a bunch of questions and I so appreciate that I can put a question out there and get some responses.

I want to make it clear, though, that if you read my blog you are only getting a small taste of our life here. I don't put everything on the blog. To know me is not to read my blog. And for me to know you is not to read a 12 word comment that you've left for me. I have examined why I read the blogs of others. I have found that the blogs I like to read are of people that I really do care about. It may have started out as an interest in their lives (most are somehow connected to Haiti or adoption), but the blogs I continue to read are of people for whom I have developed a true concern.

If you've been reading for any length of time, you've figured out that I'm a broken person receiving grace from a very loving God. I mess up all the time. I'm not the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or friend, and most of the time I'm not even good at being these things. I've hurt people and some of those relationships seem to be unrepairable. My past is sketchy. In fact, today marks ten years since I was arrested for drunk driving. BUT, and it's a big but, today I have God in my life. And He was always there but I didn't always know it. And then for a while I knew it but chose not to accept the grace offered. Today I am fully aware of my constant need of His grace and presence in my life.

The last 6 months have been something else. For some of us there is such an adjustment to parenthood. For others it seems to happen so naturally. It was a huge adjustment for me; times three. People have had many things to say about how God brought our kids all at once. I think the thing I appreciate most is when people say, "I can't imagine." And they are right. You can't. I have a hard time imagining it and I'm living it. Most people have been so full of grace for us as we navigate this new territory and I'm so grateful for that. But some people have been kind of heartless about it all. A few people have told Chuck that perhaps God is punishing us. Ummm, if God says anything about children, it's that He loves them dearly and that they are a blessing. I don't think He'd swarm us with kids to punish us. Locusts, yes. Kids, no. I can be really hard on myself and think, "Gosh Juli, all kinds of people have three or more little kids. Why is this so hard for you?" And I'm pretty sure some other people have thought that, too. But, the reality is that most people don't go from a very freedom filled life with no children to three little children that make it just about impossible to go anywhere. So, to deal with this whole new life and new level of dying to self while being judged by some has sucked. Sorry, there's just not a nicer word to describe that. And perhaps the hardest thing to deal with in all of this is the abandonment we've experienced by some people. We couldn't bring people into our world early on with the twins. We tried to communicate that well. But we lost some people in that. And it hurts.

So, to wrap things up, I'm back. This blog is more for me than anyone else. If no one ever reads it again, it would be okay. If you want to know me, not virtual Juli, I'd love to hear from you.