A number of times today I've been close to tears as I reflect on my sweet family. I tend to be a detail girl, so it's very hard for me to step back and see the bigger picture. Today as I stood washing dishes I was able to take a step back for a moment and realize just how blessed I am.
The truth is that most days I stay stuck in the details... the in-my-face details of daily living. It is not easy having three kids as young as we do, but I'm finding myself more and more comfortable as a mom. I have blogged about it before, but I spent the better part of a year terrified. Last year was just a really hard year on so many levels. Multiplying our family so quickly was not easy on me. In addition to that I had friends walk away, hard familiy situations, Chuck had minor surgery that required a long recovery, and the closing of the campus of our church that we helped start. I did not walk through all of that with amazing grace, but I did manage to get through it.
And now that I'm on the other side of that year, I realize that we were not in a good place for a while there. It took more time than I'd have thought to adjust to more than doubling our family. On top of that, the twins were terrified of everything. There were so many things that we couldn't do that other families were doing simply because our kids couldn't handle it. We had to stay cocooned for a while and that was hard. Some people understood that and some did not. I got tired of trying to explain it, so I stopped. My focus needs to be on my family, not on what other people think about our family. I've had a number of conversations that have helped me understand that not many people understood just how rough our adjustment was. Maybe I didn't realize how rough it was as I was going through it, but looking back - man, it was rough!
Today I realized that we are in a really good place. And that's kind of funny because we are in a time of dramatic change as we plan to pack up this party and relocate. Chuck and I are more comfortable as parents. Somedays we even know what we are doing :) Noah and Samuel are just blossoming more and more. They are speaking English fluently so communication is there. We know their triggers. We know when they are tired. Or hungry. Or thirsty. Or struggling with attachment. We just know them now and that makes such an impact. Freakouts are rare now. We can leave them with a babysitter! Tristan is at a hard age since he's into everything (and he's so dang tall that he can reach more and more things!), but I find this age easier than the newborn days because he was such a needy baby. Tristan continues to be a super snuggler. He melts my heart all the time. On the other hand, he is SUCH a stinker. He is definitely strong willed and we are encountering all kinds of fun (that's sarcastic) behaviors.
When Chuck has to leave early in the morning, I'm no longer afraid of getting through breakfast on my own. Getting out the door to go somewhere is no longer an ORDEAL. I can manage all three kids on my own out in public (but I still won't take them grocery shopping!). Meals are OK, even if it's just me and the boys. I just have a lot more confidence than I once did. And I'm caring less and less of what others think... something I have always struggled with and there is so much freedom and grace for myself in that. I'm learning to ask for help... what a gift! I've learned that no, I can't do it all. Even if I try to be supermom I still can't do it all. And today I'm okay with that. I have dealt with some HARD things and I'm okay. And I can't type another sentence without point to God and thanking Him for getting me to this place. Being in a good place is because I'm spiritually in a good place. And for me, that simply means I recognize my daily need for God's help.
So yeah, the Cason's are in a good place. This too shall pass, but I'm going to enjoy it while it's happening!
**And in case you are wondering, yes there are Halloween pictures. They will be posted soon.**