Saturday, June 13, 2009

Transparent - The Ugly

I'm sure I've shared on here before that I'm selfish. I believe selfishness is something we all struggle with to some degree, but for me, well it's just a higher degree.

Becoming a mom has challenged my selfishness in countless ways. Losing the freedom to go and do whatever I want whenever I want has been hard. And sleep... I miss my dear friend sleep! But something that I haven't blogged about yet is how the kids "ruin" going places.

I'll explain. There are some places that we go that are miserable because of how the kids behave. Church is currently one of those places. There are a lot of particulars that I'm not comfortable sharing publicly regarding church, but simply put, one of my kids is terrified there. Even if I'm with him. (I'm not looking for suggestions... not because I don't care... but because the situation is so complex and I'd need to share stuff I'm not comfortable sharing in order to get good feedback. Please take no offence.)

Each week I comfort my son and hold him and sing to him, etc. A special area has been created just for us. Some weeks I just bring the twins into the adult service because he's over-the-top freaking out even with me right there with him, assuring him I'm not going anywhere.

But, I have to admit... sometimes I'm just so over it. I'd like to be able to go to church without all the hysterics just once. I don't mind that I stay in children's ministry... I just wish it didn't turn into such an ordeal every.single.week. (Deep breath!)

Today we had another such situation. The same kid is afraid of thunder. Over-the-top afraid. Well, we were on our way to an adoption support group picnic when the rain began. The thunder began as we pulled up. Chuck decided that he would be the one to hold him while I took care of the other two. Chuck tried holding him on the screened porch for a while, and eventually went inside. He never calmed down for long. And the storm just kept on. I need to pause here and share that I had SO BEEN LOOKING FORWARD to this picnic. These are families that I love. We share likeness of mind when it comes to orphans and adoptions. We've watched their families grow through adoption. They were such a support to us through our long process. So, when Chuck told me that we should go I was just plain pissed off. Yes, I was concerned for my son. I know he was truly afraid. But I was selfishly angry, too. I did not want to leave. I found myself resentful when he was all giggles in the van (and I was sickened that my resentfulness was overpowering being relieved that he wasn't scared anymore). It's the ugly truth about me today. I was just over it.

I need to share that Chuck gives me all kinds of opportunities to have time for myself. I get out of the house at least three times a week by myself. In fact, Chuck wanted to take the kids home and send me back to the picnic today. He is just awesome like that. But I've been realizing lately that everytime I'm away I'm feeling totally guilty for being away. Even when I go grocery shopping I feel this way! And I'm sure that guilt just feeds the resentment that I was feeling earlier today when we had to leave the picnic.

I'm not sure what has possessed me to put this out there like this, but it's the truth. And I want this blog to be something I can look back on and remember, hopefully, how it really was. And hopefully I'll grow up a little between now and then.

10 comments:

kayder1996 said...

Oh my dear friend! I think that is the hardest part of motherhood: struggling with selfishness and the guilt that goes with it. Before Haiti, we were on board to do foster care based adoptions. We took in an emergency placement and I struggled emmensely because of selfishness and guilt. Before Leela came I was so worried about discipline and her behavior. However, that was the easy part. Dealing with my own emotions about losing my freedoms was hard and guilt inducing. Such petty stuff. I couldn't watch the tv shows I wanted to watch. I couldn't go to places in the ways I wanted. I couldn't veg out in the ways I wanted. And some more serious things too. (Couldn't get as much sleep as I'd like, couldn't focus on my full time job like I'd like.) So many things that were all about my wants/needs and made me feel awful for worrying about me so much. Her stay with us felt like a disaster. (It wasn't but at the time, it sure felt like it.) It definitely helped me be prepared for those feelings with Kenson. The book, The Post Adoption Blues, is really a good read that I read after Leela and helped me get a grip on how I was not a total freak.

I totally understand the church thing. For me, I love my church and I love adult Sunday school. But I usually don't get to go because of Kenson. And when Derek was in the middle of soccer season, I needed my adult Sunday school time because it was an outlet of adult interaction that I rarely got.

Okay, again, I've got a humdinger of a post going on. Way too long! Brevity is not in me-sorry!

Jodie said...

Thanks for being real and sharing your vulnerability. I can't imagine how hard it is (and I pray I don't find out) to have situations like that happen. I pray it gets easier soon. I'm glad Chuck gives you opportunity to get out alone.

TJ said...

Juli,
Your honesty and self-awareness are just a couple of your most endearing qualities.
We did miss you today.
Thank you for being you.
Terri

Julie said...

Juli--What you are experiencing is true motherhood-- and being a servant of Christ. Many of us had the opportunity to begin this journey of surrender one child at a time, where we were more slowly immersed in the stark reality of surrender.

Even today, 4 kids (hopefully 6 soon) and 14 years later, God is still teaching me about dying to myself. Perhaps you will learn much quicker than I, but it is part of the journey. The joys far out weigh the battles, and our God is so patient with us.

Your teachability and sensitivity to His leading will carry you so much further than you can imagine. Just run to Him!

Many Blessings-

Natalie said...

Hi Juli,

Thanks for being transparent and vulnerable. I have been fighting this all week...one of my friends pointed out some very subtle but selfish ways that I had been behaving towards some of my children...you can probably guess which ones...I was disappointed to realize that I am still prideful and selfish. I had hoped it would change, but instead I had only masked it.

I will be praying for you that God would give you all you need through this time and the years to come.

Sha Zam- said...

NORMAL!!! 100% normal.

Feel no guilt. You cannot give to your children what you do not have. If being away from them for bits at a time fuel you.... do it and be grateful. All is NORMAL!!!

ps- my sister used to be ridiculously afraid of the stupidest things. Literally freaking (throwing up screaming) out about a family friend she called "uncle frankenstein". I was always irritated by her high maintenance need to be calmed. I pray for peace for you.

Juli said...

Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement. I don't like how I've been feeling, but it gives me some hope to know I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

So, not alone Juli.

I love how honest you are. Even us veteran moms feel like this often. Especially when dealing with post adoption behaviors... like the fears you described. It is exhausting!

Lori :) said...

Juli -
I agree . . . 100% normal! :) Welcome to motherhood. Yes - there are times it stinks . . .and Jeremy and I have had many a conversation saying how no one really told us just how much sacrifice and dying to self parenting would take! Parenting is full of sacrifice - but as Ron Luce (head of Teen Mania) says - you can either sacrifice now - or later - but at some point there will be sacrifice. I would rather it be now - so I (and especially my kids) won't have to sacrifice or deal with bigger issues later! I know that these years seem to last forever - but it really does go by too fast. I spent so many summers just sitting on the pool steps with 1,2, then 3 & 4 kids clinging to me because they couldn't swim, etc - but I was desperate to get out of the house and "enjoy" the water. I was so jealous and envious of the moms sitting in the recliners reading a book while their kids swam! Well . . .I am finally there! I can finally watch my kids play together and still enjoy a book. Though - usually I end up just getting in with them and playing too. :)
Hang in there girl! You are normal! God uses parenting to not only raise up godly kids - but to raise up godly parents! :) To refine us, help us to see, know and understand more of who He is and what He has to deal with having billions of his own children! :) (can you imagine?!)
Thanks for your honesty! It helps others to know they are normal too! :)
Blessings!
Lori :)
ps - don't feel guilty about getting out! Your kids are loved and being well taken care of. And as the saying goes - "if momma ain't happy - ain't nobody happy"! So - enjoy some time by yourself!

Laurie said...

Hugs - you are NOT alone.