Four Years Later...

It's so hard to believe that it's been four years since life was turned upside down. This post will be about my thoughts and feelings over the past four years... not so much about the kids themselves. I will do individual posts on them at another time. I'd like to think I'll start blogging again on a regular basis, but really time will tell.

I documented a lot of our first year with the kids on this blog and I'm thankful for that because a lot of it is hazy at best. Life got easier with the kids after that, but hard in just about every other aspect. Chuck lost his job at the end of 2009, and that was really hard. Losing a job sucks, but losing a job in ministry is losing more than a job. It's like losing a family, too. We were hurt and sad and it was really a blessing in disguise when Chuck couldn't find work in Virginia (which is hugely ironic with his military background... it's just obvious that it was God's plan for us to leave). It would have been hard to stay in the area while trying to heal emotionally.

We moved out to Las Vegas to help start a church. That was easily the most humbling and depressing time in my life. We stayed with friends until our house in Virginia rented out. We couldn't raise enough financial support for Chuck to do only ministry work and it took until the end of April for Chuck to get his job with Veteran's Affairs. Our financail situation was terrifying, though I learned that God really does take care of us. I recently realized that my kids really saved my life during that time. By the end of January I was suicidal and the only thing that kept me from acting on that was that I didn't want to leave that legacy for my children. The biggest take away from that time period is that I really can trust God to take care of me and my family. The only thing I have to do is seek God and not give in to the fear that wants to keep me from Him.

Chuck went away to Police Academy for 5 weeks in June and it was during that time that I learned who my truest friends were, and they were the most unlikely people! While Chuck was away he texted me one day telling me there was an opening in Ann Arbor, MI. I didn't even reply to his text because I was dead set against moving again. However, two days after he came home from Police Academy, I realized that I wanted "to go home." And home, I found, was Michigan. Chuck's transfer and our relocation were seamless. Things just fell into place and six weeks later we were in MI.

Our first year here was HARD. Really hard. Our marriage was at near collapse. The house we moved into was really too small for our family. And the winter was intense. Tons of snow, inclement weather and just dang COLD. Seven months after moving here to MI, we moved one more time into a house better suited for our family and also in the school district we desired. Chuck and I did some marriage counseling, but things were seriously touch and go for a while there. For me, it became another opportunity to learn to trust God and find out that He would take care of me no matter what. I was able to go to Haiti on a mission trip in July and it was such an awesome opportunity. I was able to meet with Noah and Samuel's birthfather and share pictures and artwork and learn more of their story.

During this time Chuck applied for some other government agency jobs that put us into a waiting/holding pattern. Relocating was likely and the possibility of that hampered me putting down roots here. I was able to get involved in a MOPS group and some Bible Studies. I also was able to make new friends. Hard as I tried not to, those roots began shooting down and by February this year I realized that while I might hate the climate here, I don't want to leave either. The kids are tied in well and have really benefited from having family close by.

I should pause here and mention something about where I've been spiritually through all of this. When the kids came home, life came to a screeching halt. I had almost no time for trying to build my relationship with God. So, no surprise, when things got really hard in late 2009, I wasn't able to tap into God's strength. I really believe that's why I was so distraught when we first moved to Las Vegas. During the time I lived in the desert, I was in a spiritual desert as well. The wounds from Chuck's lost job were fresh and so very painful. I felt very isolated there, especially so while Chuck was at Police Academy. When we moved to MI I got into a Bible Study that met every two weeks. I was very guarded during that first Bible Study, and didn't really share with the group. I kept mostly to myself and was fully aware that I didn't trust the ladies in my group and expected them to judge me. In January I joined a different Bible Study and then joined MOPS in February. I got into a good routine and it was good for me to get out and be around people. I slowly began to pray for God to give me new friends and that prayer was answered. One day at Bible Study I shared that I had been praying for that and one of the girls I was in MOPS with asked me and the kids over for dinner that night. I remember vividly how thankful I was to God for answering that prayer. I have continued to stay active in MOPS and that Bible Study. I made it out of that spiritual desert, but it certainly took time. God really has healed my broken heart, my broken marriage and continues to show me that I really can trust Him in all things.

In April of this year we learned to trust God in new ways when the tenants in our house in Virginia stopped paying rent. In the last few months of cleaning up their mess, putting the house up for short sale, shelling out money that we don't have, but manage to come up with and watching our credit score plummet we've realized that God does take care of us. Having our credit destroyed, not paying a mortgage that we promised to pay, and realizing that foreclosure might become a part of our story... well, we've decided to keep our eyes on God. And thankfully, Chuck and I are doing that together.

The last four years have been rough. This year I feel more okay than I've felt through all of them, even with the financial stress from our house in Virginia. I have reached a place of not worrying about judgement coming from others. In fact, for the most part, I really don't care what others think of me anymore. The path to that lesson has been a hard one, but I endured it and I'm thankful to be here.

I'm glad to share that I finally feel like we are a "normal" family. Noah and Samuel have overcome so many fears and worked hard to get on level with their peers. When they first came home I could not see this day of being a normal little family. God is good.

I hope to do updates... with tons of pictures... soon :)