MI

Hey Michigan peeps!! I'm going to be in MI soon (not gonna share exact dates on the internet) and would like to try to get together with as many people as I can while there. Please send me an email at julicason@yahoo.com if you'd like to try to get together.

Thanks!

I'm just gonna put it out there...

I had a great Mother's Day. Breakfast in bed and all that kind of jazz doesn't happen when your husband is a pastor and has to leave the house early. That's okay, though, because I'd be freaked about getting crumbs in the sheets. I did get surprised after church with Chuck taking all three kids home and letting me have some time to myself after church. I went to lunch with my friends Dana and Samantha. Samantha is moving to Las Vegas on Tuesday to help start a church, so getting some hang-time with her was a bonus. We went to Taste Unlimited (local place and my first time) and it was yum.

I also got the Wii Fit and a bunch of accesories for it. I had asked for the Wii Fit and then unasked for it after researching it some. Chuck got it for me anyway and I'm glad he did. I had fun trying it out yesterday before we went to the oceanfront. We took the boys to see monster trucks at the beach. It was a lot more fun than I expected. It was really fun to walk on the boardwalk with the kids. It helped that they were all in good moods. We left promptly when Tristan started screaming.

Yesterday I got no less than 10 text messages with some sort of Happy Mother's Day message. I love technology - especially the ability to text message. I think it eliminates all kinds of useless chatter when you just have a simple question or statement. Chuck and I use it a bunch and it helps us stay connected throughout the day when we use it.

However, there is something not so warm and fuzzy about getting a text message that obviously went out to all the moms programmed in your cell phone. In fact, it felt more special when two separate strangers at the beach wished me a Happy Mother's Day.

I'm not posting this to shame anyone. I plan to stick to the good-ole-fashion telephone or card for special occasions. Maybe I'm wrong. Or old-fasioned. Just my opinion.

Toothy #2

This morning I noticed that Tristan is getting another toothy - right next to the first one.

Maybe that explains the screamfest last night.

BUBBLES!!!!

Okay...this is Chuck. And I'm temporarily comandeering Juli's blog. Today, the Cason's had a really cool day. Minus some minor trauma due to "Crash n' Burn" getting hair cuts (they fussed so badly that Papa was emotionally traumatized to last a lifetime). Anyway, to help heal the rotten memories of the day, I decided to do some extra amounts of play time (yes... extra... like in addition to the already obscene amounts in the normal schedule). This flowed right up until bedtime. The weather has been so sweet here, that I totally wanted to rock it in the back yard with them. Well, after Crash, Burn, and I had thrown the ball around, whacked the crap out of every tree and bush we could find with little LaCrosse sticks, and royaly wreaked havoc on the yard in general, we were ready for something a little more mellow. Juli's mom (The Judemeister) had bought the twins this automatic bubble blower device. Just pour in a little bit of bubble juice, turn it on, and let it rip. The boys were going so nuts over the whole scene, I had to go in and get the video camera. They were diggin' it hard. The footage below is the mellowed out, already getting old take. Had I been holding my camera for the first 15 mins, my lil JVC digital buddy might not have survived.

Now, for all of the parents who have seen Finding Nemo way too many times, like us, you are well acquainted with the scene where Nemo is first observed in his new tank, vs. the open ocean. He meets a character here that has an unhealthy facination with bubbles. He sees the little treasue chest open up, and chases the uprising bubbles, yelling, or maybe chanting, "BUBBLES!!!!" This is what both of the twins were yelling, no...quoting, as they were chasing the soapy deviants. Good times. Hope you enjoy the vid. And then you can all have your Juli back. Peace out.

He Crawls, He Falls

Tristan is officially crawling. He's not fast yet, but soon.

Life will never be the same!

Of course he decided to master crawling while Chuck was out of town last week.

He also fell on his face and tore his frenulum while Chuck was out of town. A trip to the doctor confirmed that.

In case you're wondering or didn't know - injuries to the mouth bleed a lot. A LOT. There's just nothing quite like picking your baby up from a puddle of blood. I think Tristan handled it a whole lot better than I did.

He's totally okay. The doctor was surprised he was still sucking on his pacifier. He is one tough kid.

A few months in pictures...

Gracie chillin' in Tristan's carseat

You can't see it, but that's his first Gerber puff

Toe snack

Jumped himself to sleep

Learning to crawl

Cutie

Tristan's mohawk... I don't think I've blogged about it yet

His hair does this all on its own... no help from us

He has two swirls on the top of his head

that push his hair into a perfect mohawk

Chewing on everything

We had our furnace repaired and the

repairmen let the boys play with his flashlight

This is Noah

A blurry Samuel

Reading a book

Working in the army crawl skills

Samuel on Chuck's skateboard

Noah... he was a natural on it

Tristan doing his jumping thing

They love their rollercoaster

He was new to sitting on his own in this pic

Roadtripping to Roanoke

Tristan's first rice cereal

What a face!

Us... very tired... and without makeup

First campout

They LOVE popcorn

Wearing Orange for Stellan

This morning me and the kids are praying for baby Stellan, who is having really risky heart surgery. You can stop by MckMama's blog to read about Stellan, pray for him, encourage her and her family, and get updates. If there isn't a recent post, scroll down and read the updates via Twitter in the left margin.

Wowza

10 years ago today I married the greatest guy in the world.

I really am the luckiest gal around.

And in 30 minutes we are going on our first real date since kids. I can't wait!!

Puffs Update

Tristan ate banana puffs last night without any hesitation.

I'm guessing Jodie was right and it was a texture issue.

Anticlimactic

Up until today (and with the exception of trying rice cereal a handful of times), Tristan has been exclusively breastfed. I was really looking forward to introducing baby food, but when we went to the doctor at 4 months, he told me to wait until 6 months. At 6 months we tried out rice cereal the week leading up to the 6 month appointment. The doctor suggested not adding solids to Tristan's diet just yet because he doesn't need them. He is thriving. So, we decided to do just that. I realize that there are many opinions/ideas/schools of thought on this. Please trust that this wasn't a flippant decision on our part. We did our homework and have decided that this works for us. (That's my nice way of asking for no comments on this subject, thanks.)

However, we've been wondering if he might like to try the baby puffs. Keeping him happy while we eat dinner (he sits in his high chair and throws toys on the floor) has not been easy and we decided to give him some puffs while we eat.

I was really excited. What would he do? Would the puff really melt in his mouth? Would he like them?

So, we sat down for dinner tonight and put a puff on Tristan's tray. He of course picked it up and shoved it in his mouth because he does that with everything. ;)

And then he spit it out.

He did this over and over again. But, he did enjoy playing with them and they did keep him quiet while we ate, so I guess they were good for something.

The puffs were banana flavored. Chuck hates bananas. He's very proud that Tristan apparently hates bananas too. Lovely.

And after dinner Noah the scavenger ate the puffs that Tristan dropped on the floor. Super lovely.

The whole deal was rather anticlimactic. Maybe a different flavor will do the trick.

8 Months

Yesterday Tristan turned 8 months old. I know I say this all the time, but seriously - where does the time go?! Just yesterday he was this tiny blob that couldn't do anything and now he is all over the place!

Tristan has turned into a pretty mellow baby... except for when he's unhappy. Then he screams. But he's pretty mellow compared to his first three months of life. I was so worried he had my temperment (that would be crabby...), but he really seems to be a very happy little guy. He is such a joy. His little smile melts my heart and lets me know everything is going to be okay. He loves his big brothers and when he is being fussy they are able to make him laugh.

This month we've had all sorts of new things happen with Tristan. He got his first tooth last week and it is so cute! He is waking up a lot at night, so I know his gums are bothering him. Tristan is also so.very.close to crawling. He knows how to do it, but likes the speed of the army crawl, so he'll choose to do that after trying out the real crawl. When Tristan spots something he wants, he stops at nothing to get it. Tristan will still spend a decent amount of time in his Jumperoo - which is a good thing because he jumps while I'm making dinner. He is also spending longer stretches in the pack and play, just playing away. Just last week we moved Tristan up to size 4 diapers. The 3's still worked, but they were getting harder to close up. I also pulled out 12 month clothing since Tristan's 6-9 month clothes are getting tight. The 12 months clothes are roomy, but he'll be filling them out in no time, I'm sure. Just yesterday I weighed Tristan here at home and he was 20 1/2 pounds. His infant car seat only goes up to 22 pounds, so we may be buying a new car seat sooner than we like! Tristan also loves to swing. About a month ago we had a swingset put up in the backyard and got Tristan a toddler swing. He likes to sit in it and swing and has even napped in it. Late edit: We had to lower Tristan's crib all the way to the lowest setting (it was at the medium setting) because he is pulling himself up on his knees and chewing on the rail.

8 months is sentimental for us because we met the twins as they were turning 8 months. They were so tiny in comparison. Noah was 15 lbs and Samuel was 13 lbs - and they were some of the bigger babies in the orphanage! They really weren't doing very much physically - they didn't play like Tristan does. They weren't scooting around. In fact, I have a picture of Noah laying on his belly and propping himself up on his elbows. It's just night and day as I think about where the twins were at developmentally.

As we waited for the twins, we knew we were missing out on all sorts of milestones. But as Tristan shows us daily his new tricks, well it just kind of amplifies for me all that we missed out on with Noah and Samuel. It angers me. It makes me sad. I so wish we could have had them home earlier. That we could have shared in all the firsts. I pray and trust that Joel 2:25 will become a reality for us, that God will repay all the years the locusts ate.

Breaking News!

Literally.

Yesterday was a mometous day here at the Cason Home. Tristan's first toothy decided to break through and make it's appearance.

I would love to show you a picture, but Tristan does not like showing it off. He screams, actually, and not in a way that makes the tooth visible (cuz I'd totally take a picture of him screaming if it meant catching the toothy on film).

It is his bottom right tooth and I believe most process on the appearance of this tooth has been taking place between 11 pm and 3 am these last few weeks.

Let the drooling begin!!

In Addition...

I knew my post yesterday would ruffle some feathers. Honestly, I wanted it to. I really hoped it would make people take a look at what is driving their views on Madonna's situation. The smug cheers of people over this situation turn my stomach.

It's not my desire to debate this issue, because I have no desire to change my mind on this. I respect the thoughts and opinions of others, so I will post all comments on this. But I'm not going to debate this.

I purposefully didn't comment on the legal aspects, but I do have some thoughts on that as well that I will share.

Luke 16: 1-18 is the Parable of the Shrewd Manager and it is what drives my opinion. The take away that I pull from this parable is to use our worldy influence and wealth to impact eternity. That is what I see Madonna and Angelina Jolie and any other celebrity with a fast-tracked adoption doing. From this perspective, I don't care what the law says. If they are able to use their wealth and position to give an orphan a home, I don't care that they don't have to go through the same process as everyone else. No, it's not fair. But there is no promise in the Bible that I can find that says life will be fair.

Overall, it's about what's driving our heart as we look at this situation.

Disgusted - A Rant

So, Madonna has been in the news lately over her desire to adopt again from Malawi.

I was really sad on Friday when I learned that her adoption was denied. You see, we were matched with our kids and then had to go through the long process of adopting them. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if a judge decided not to grant our adoption. My heart goes out to Madonna.

I was sickened to learn that there are many people applauding the denied adoption. What??

In the news report that I listened to on public radio they suggested that Madonna support this little girl and her community instead. I absolutely hate how we take our Americanized ideas and experience and try to put them to work in other cultures! It just doesn't work. For example, this little girl and her community may become despised for having riches lavished on them while neighboring communities struggle. They may end up in a cycle of relying on others rather than working to meet their own needs. And the list goes on.

A Christian group that I almost aligned myself with last fall suggested that Christians raise money to support this little girl until she reaches adulthood. They were happy that Madonna's adoption was denied. The reason they didn't think the adoption should take place is because this little girl has extended family who should care for her. They suggested raising $160 a year (the average yearly income in Malawi) for this little girl so that she can be cared for by family. What does that say to all the other struggling families??

What bothers me the most about this situation is that there are two groups who seem to be the most happy about this denied adoption - some child advocacy groups and adopting parents.

If child advocacy groups truly care about the well being of MILLIONS of orphans, then why would they work SO HARD to stop an adoption? Why would they suddenly be looking to help this one particular little girl rather than orphans as a whole? Why would they wait to raise their voices until a celebrity tried to adopt?

Adoptive parents are also causing a stir. As an adoptive parent who waited a very, very, very long time for my kids to come home, I feel like I have the right to weigh in on this. If I truly know the heartache of wanting my kids to come home, of going through an adoption, of paying way too much money for paperwork - why would I want someone else's adoption to fail? Why would I point the finger and be angry about a fast-tracked adoption when it is really about what is best for the child? Why would I cheer and feel like justice has been served when another orphan will remain an orphan? It is sick and I'm disgusted by the behavior that I'm seeing.

And on another topic - why on earth was the press so aware of Madonna's court proceedings? I wonder if things would have gone differently if the press didn't cover it so extensively. I sure hope that Madonna appeals the decision. She has every right to do so.

In the Bible, James 1:27 tells us we are to look after orphans. So, I challenge you - especially if you are a Christian and have cheered for Madonna's loss - what are you doing to help orphans?

End of rant.

Special

I find myself constantly thinking about what I was doing this time last year. I've been doing it basically since a year from when we learned we were pregnant (late November). So much has changed that I can't help but think about how different life was just a year ago.

Well, the first week of April last year we knew we were expecting a baby boy. I was in the 2nd trimester of pregnancy, so I had energy and no pain :). (That third trimester was killer on my back.) I also spent the week with my Dad. I had a flight voucher that I needed to use up so I went to visit my Dad in central Florida. The weather was not yet too hot. And I relaxed.

I mean really relaxed.

My personality type is such that I never sit still. There is always something to do and I feel guilty if I'm not working on something. I had no projects or work to do while visiting my Dad. We slept in, watched TV, ate out a bunch, did Sudoku puzzles, and hung out with some of his friends. We went to the beach and to Busch Gardens and celebrated Dad's birthday. It was an awesome, relaxing time. It was also one on one time with just my Dad and I loved that. It was a really special week - both as it was happening and in retrospect. I know it will always be a time I look back on fondly.

So, Dad, if you're reading I just want to thank you again for a special time last year. A lot has changed since and I'm so glad we got to spend that time together. I will always remember it and be thankful for it.

Miscellaneous

I'm not quite sure how this post is going to turn out... lots of thoughts and little organization...

Today Chuck, who is superdad, took all three boys to the aquarium in Virginia Beach while I was at my mommy group. (I don't have the guts for such outings, but Chuck does!) Noah and Samuel LOVED it. Chuck said that they were totally into everything, but when they got to the sharks they were bouncing-off-the-walls excited. And they called all the fish Dory. They love the movie "Finding Nemo." Dory is obviously their favorite. Chuck bought a family membership so we will definitely be going there again soon. Chuck learned that we can watch them feed the sharks and he is looking forward to taking the boys to see that.

I have been struggling lately with a few things. The first is this general sense of not having much to look forward to. I am an introvert, so I get energized by being alone. Completely alone. In the quiet. With no TV or radio or noise of any sort. When I'm in the car by myself I like to have the radio off. I do get out of the house a number of times during the week, but it is always for group gatherings. I feel like I need a specific time alone that I can look forward to during the week. The other thing I'm trying to figure out is when I can shower. The obvious times - early morning and late at night - don't work for me. I'm still nursing so I need to feed Tristan before I shower in the morning or I'm a mess and it's really no use that I just showered. I can't shower before bed because I can't sleep with wet hair (and our house is too small for me to use my hair dryer that late). So, I grab showers when I can and just quickly wash my hair on the days I don't shower. It's not that I can't shower during the day - it's just hard to fit in. Yes, we are home all day, but between nursing Tristan and meals and snacks and naps it is just hard to fit in. I'm just not sure what to do. If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Another thing I'd like to add to my days is exercise. We joined the YMCA, but I've since cancelled our membership because the boys won't stay in childwatch. They did for about 2 weeks and then they decided they were done with it. Samuel would say "no joue" (no play) as soon as we pulled up and then would freak out once inside. So, I'm also trying to figure out when I can exercise. I can't wake up before the kids to do it for the same reason I can't shower before nursing Tristan. I think I can do this at about 8:00 a.m. with all three kids awake. Tristan hangs out in the Jumperoo and the boys do the video with me. They are funny to watch.

The boys' English just keeps exploding. They truly understand everything we say. And they are speaking it! There are still some things they say in Creole, but they know the English words, too. Often they are just too tired or excited to use the English. They surprise us everyday with how they are using the language. They make us laugh a lot, too.

I started to gather up our tax stuff to send to the accountant. I'm way late on this - mainly because I've been dreading getting all the documents together. I made a good dent in it today and with a little more time by myself I'll have it all together soon.

Last weekend some friends from church came and helped us put up a fence and they got our swingset started. We are so grateful for that help! Chuck was out in the rain today working on the swingset. I can't wait for it to be completed and for the boys to be able to play out there.

Tristan is sitting up like a champ and army crawling all over the place. It is just so amazing to watch as a newborn grows and develops. We missed all of this with Noah and Samuel and I'm amazed every day by how quickly a baby grows, develops, and learns. It's just incredible.

That's all for now...

Do You Love Your Stroller?

Do you, or did you, love your stroller? That is the question.

I have two strollers. I don't love either of them. They work, but they don't meet all my needs. One of them is the Combi Twin Savvy Stroller. My main problem with this stroller is that it is hard to push. It doesn't roll smoothly or turn well and because it is a side by side double stroller, it is hard to get through doorways and narrow spaces. It has baskets under each seat, but they weren't engineered well so it's hard to get stuff in and out. And it doesn't have cup holders for me or the kids. I think cup holders are important. Don't get me wrong - I definitely use this stroller. Tristan's infant seats clips onto it, so we've used it a bunch.

My other stroller is a Graco single stroller that was given to me second hand. It rolls super smooth, has cup holders for me, and has great storage. I also like that I can loop Tristan's diaper bag over the handle area. The seating area is weird, though. It is designed to either work as a seat or open into a tiny crib area. The harness that goes between the legs is in a really weird place, though, so Tristan gets this mad g-lean going on and doesn't stay happy.

What I'm looking for in a stroller is cup holders for me and Chuck. I've tried the kind you buy and hook on, and I've broken them. I also want a tray and cup holder for the kid(s). I need to have lots of storage space because I travel with two diaper bags and my purse (I refuse to give it up and move into the diaper bag!). I also usually stick my baby bjorn and the boys' back pack leashes in the stroller. I want something that rolls easy and turns on a dime. I'd also like a reclining seat. Obviously, I might not find all of this in a double or triple stroller, but does it exist in a single?

Tell me if you've found the stroller!

Thanks!

It's a Twin Thing...

I need to make a request.

It's my hope you won't think I'm ungrateful or asking for more.

But, I need to request that toys not be purchased for the boys to "share." Such toys cause fights. These boys know how to play together. They love each other deeply and connect with each other in a way that most siblings don't connect. But, if I ask them to share a really cool toy, it does not go well. I hate to see them fight like this and quite honestly, I will lose my sanity.

What usually ends up happening is that neither of them get to play with the toy because I take it.

If I could, I would just buy a second of every toy that we get for them to share. I just don't have the money to do that.

Some games and flash cards, etc. obviously don't need to be duplicated. If you have something in mind and are unsure if two are necessary, please ask.

Please don't get me wrong - we're very grateful for every.single.thing we've been given. At this age (developmentally and as twins) it's just unfair to ask them to share. I promise, we will teach them to share.

Thanks for understanding.

Bullet List

• Yesterday as Chuck was roughhousing with Noah, Noah said to Chuck, "Settle down!" Sometimes I wonder if they understand what I say (since they don't seem to do what I say). Apparently they are getting, "Settle down!"
• Noah and Samuel are still in diapers. I haven't tried potty training them yet because, honestly, I'm not ready. I just don't have the energy to take them to the potty every 5 minutes just yet. One day as I was changing Samuel's poopy diaper I said, "Samuel, don't you want to put your poopies in the toilet?" Samuel replied, "Ummmmmm (long dramatic pause), no." You kind of have to hear Samuel say no to get the full effect. It sounds very nasaly and French. I love that he thought long and hard about his answer, though.
• Shoes and socks. Shoes and socks generally mean we are going somewhere, or lately, outside. I keep the boys barefoot in the house so that they don't wipe out on the hardwood floors. They ask for socks when they get dressed. They start jumping up and down when they see socks and begin to talk all about shoes when the socks go on. They love to go places. That is, until they are at the place. Then they may ask to go home. Especially Samuel.
• Food trick. I've learned recently that if I want the boys to try something, they need to catch me snacking on it. If I put it on their plate at mealtime, they scoff at it. But, if they run across mommy having a little snack in the kitchen, they must have some. Believe me, I'm using this tactic for all it's worth!
• I recently took all three boys on a few shopping excursions. This took all sorts of courage on my part. Our first trip was to Food Lion to get some eggs. I realized Monday morning that I needed eggs for the meatloaf I was making for our small group that night. I couldn't have Chuck pick up the eggs because the meatloaf needed to be cooking before he'd get home from work. So, after nap time (and much prayer...) we went. I put Tristan in the Baby Bjorn and I put the twins in a cart. It went well. Then, on Thursday I knew I needed to hit BJ's with the kids for diapers. I wasn't sure how I'd do it, so I prayed. We ended up able to park right next to a cart with a car on the front. I put the twins in the car and the baby in the basket in his carrier. I'm sure we were quite a sight each time, but we are making progress. I never ever plan to do full-fledged grocery shopping with the trio. That would be insane and I'm not sure where I'd put all the groceries once I had them in the cart. I seriously don't know how single moms and military wives do it. You ladies have some level of strength that I know nothing about.
• We had campout last night and added a new movie to the mix. Chuck and I can just about recite, line for line, Cars and Finding Nemo. Last night we watched Monsters Inc. The kids loved it, but Samuel had to cover his eyes a few times.
• Last night Chuck found two stuffed animal rabbits (the boys call them their babies) tucked into his side of the bed. The boys love to play bedtime and naptime with each other and with their stuffed animals. At naptime we give them the following rules: No playing, No talking, No sitting, No standing, No touching the toys, and Stay in bed. They tick them off when they play naptime. It is hilarious.
• The boys have started putting each other in timeout. And the funny thing is - they obey each other. We are working on putting an end to this, but we do turn our heads and laugh.
• The boys are all about playing fishies. They have some plastic fish that my friend Stacy passed on to them. They call them Nemo and Dory. Usually just Dory. They fly them around the house. I thought they were swimming them around the house, but they make airplane noises, so I guess we have flying fish. They also sometimes yell out lines from the movie.
• Tristan, we think, is really close to crawling. He gets up on his hands and he gets up on his knees, he just doesn't put them together yet. He does get around by getting up on his knees and pushing his face across the floor.
• Daylight savings was not good for bedtimes. There was a lot of crying from the twins.
• Tristan has recently dropped his late night feeding. He nurses at 7ish and then goes to bed. I have been waiting for a long time for this! That means we have all our kids in bed by 8-8:30ish. LOVING IT!
• The boys REALLY love playing outside and so do I. I have a tendency to be an indoor person, but being cooped up inside all winter has drastically changed me. I would way rather be outside than inside. No TV or requests for TV. The noise level is drastically reduced just by being outside. I love watching them burn energy by just running around and being crazy. It is fun. Too bad the weather keeps going up and down. The high today was 41. The high on Wednesday was 83. I'll be glad when the weather warms up for good. I have a feeling we will be outside even when it's really hot.
• We replaced the valances in the boys' bedrooms with curtains. We have miniblinds, but the morning sun is very bright in their rooms. This isn't a problem anymore since we changed the clocks, but soon it will still be light at bedtime. So, the curtains are up. We got some fun striped curtains for the twins' room and some blue curtains for Tristan's room. We just need to make some adjustments to where the rods are hung and we'll be all set.
• Unswaddled update. This is going well. We went through a rough week, mainly because Tristan was pulling the pacifier out of his mouth and then crying for us to put it back in. We let him cry it out a few nights and now he doesn't cry anymore. There have been a few episodes of crying here and there, but those first few nights it was 7 or 8 times throughout the night. Sometimes, especially if he is trying to wake up too early, we will put the pacifier in his hand. It's amazing how good he is at shoving it in his mouth!
• We are working hard on getting the boys to say please instead of just demanding things from us. Samuel, in particular, will say, "Water" or "Fruit" or "More" or "Snack" (which sounds like 'nack'). It is like pulling teeth to get them to add the word please. If we can get them to say please, then we will work on "May I have some..."
• Our church recently moved to a movie theater. It is a very cool venue in every way except for the fact that my kids are freaked out in their class. The music from the neighboring adult service freaks them out. They are distracted by noise from other classes and teachers moving in and out of our classroom. The lighting is not so great and creates a shadowy environment, which I think is adding to their discomfort. It has been hard for me. Samuel cries hard and will not move from my lap. Noah has gotten to where he only fusses a minute and then joins in the class activities. Samuel wants nothing to do with what they are doing. I'm not sure if he is truly scared or if he is manipulating me. Either way, it has been very hard on me.
• Tomorrow Tristan will be 7 months old. Seriously, where does the time go? I'm not sure if I blogged about it, but Tristan was 18lbs 4 oz at his 6 month appointment. My arms and back will tell you that he's surely gained another pound since then.
• That's all I can think of to share. Sorry there are no pictures. I don't have the energy right now to download pics from my camera and then upload here. I'll try to get to that this week, but we haven't been great about taking pictures lately.
• Goodnight.

Good Tired

Tonight I'm tired, really tired, but in a good way.

Most days by 9 p.m. I'm tired, really tired. It's not always in a bad way, though some days are.

But today was just an all around good day and it has left me good tired. My day was worth the tired I am if that makes any sense.

For my own self I want to document this day because I have the feeling I'm finally turning a corner and I want to remember it.

Chuck has been pushing me for a while to start a mom's group at church. Since I'm a perfectionist, I have procrastinated. Well, finally push came to shove and the group was born this morning. And I have to say that it is an absolute breath of fresh air. 12 moms got together today at a mall food court and began a journey. I'm not sure where we're headed, but we have each other now. I'm very pumped.

We had lunch at the mall, which I like doing. Any meal that I don't have to prepare is a meal I like! :)

Noah and Samuel took a nice long nap and Chuck took care of Tristan while I did some necessary emailing.

When the boys got up we went outside in glorious 72 degree weather. It was awesome. The boys played on their teeter totter, rollercoaster (Mom, they love it!), and with sidewalk chalk. Tristan jumped in the Jumperoo. I weeded a flower bed (which has been on my to do list for-ever), and Chuck skate boarded a little and mostly played with the boys. We had some older neighbor kids come and play and they really played with the twins. It was so neat to watch them take such an interest in knowing Noah and Samuel. The boys wowed them with their "Yo Mamma" response to "What's Up?"

It all just felt right. Like how life is supposed to be. Dare I say I'm finally getting comfortable at this Mom thing?! I don't know but something settled deep within me today. The Gloria Estafan lyrics, "Coming Out of the Dark" keep ringing through my mind (even though I never listen to GE). These last 6 months have been rather dark for me. I have been quite isolated. Some of it necessary, some self inflicted. I have completely doubted my ability as a parent and God's timing in bringing our family together. I have lost my freedom and a very good friendship. It has been a very lonely time. But today I feel like some of that lonliness has been eliminated and that maybe, just maybe things are going to be okay.

As I sort through these things in my mind I'm sure of one thing - tonight I am good tired.

Home 6 Months

It is hard to believe that Noah and Samuel have been home 6 months already! In some ways, time has flown by, and in other ways it has been a very long 6 months - though I think that has everything to do with the timing of Tristan's birth and the twins' homecoming.

The pain of the wait for the twins to come home is a less vivid memory now, though if I take the time to really think about it, I remember. Time seemed to pass excruciatingly slowly while waiting for them to come home, and now the days just fly by. I'm just having a hard time reconciling how quickly these 6 months have gone by with how hard waiting for them to come home was.

Anywhoo, that's enough about me. Noah and Samuel amaze us every.single.day. They have come such a long way in this short amount of time. When they came home they were afraid of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. We had big plans to take them to fun places and try fun things at home and we weren't able to do any of that for a while. They were afraid of stuffed animals. Of our cats. Of cars that were too loud. Of weird lighting. Of things we couldn't see. Of playgrounds. Of crowds of people. Of loud music. Of everything, it seemed. We just stayed in as much as possible in the beginning. And Tristan complicated everything. I've read about laid-back babies. He was not one of those in the early months. He was very demanding. As in must-be-held-every-waking-moment demanding. There was so much that I wanted to do with the twins, but Tristan kept me from much of it. I'm so thankful they had each other to play with. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we only adopted one child and had a newborn. I know that sounds silly, but they really occupied one another well while I took care of Tristan. A good friend told me that God gave us twins for a reason!

I'm so thankful that Chuck's employer was flexible with us. I was terrified to be home with all three by myself in the beginning. It was so overwhelming. Chuck was home with us for a number of weeks and then worked from home for a number of weeks. It was such a blessing. And it continues to be a blessing.

Noah and Samuel just continue to blossom. Their English is literally exploding daily. The wonderful and amazing Terri was here yesterday and commented on how much they've learned. It really is incredible.

Noah is a wonderful big brother. He loves loves loves Tristan. He is patient and engaging with him. He loves to make him smile and laugh. He is gentle and compassionate. If Tristan cries, Noah lets me know. Noah is definitely musically inclined. He can pick up a beat quick. He claps to music perfectly. He can pick up a tune and sing it exactly as he heard it. He has an infectious laugh and totally knows how to crack us up. He is quite a bit taller than Samuel now - about an entire head. He is ready to move into 4T pants; in fact I got some out last night for him. Noah loves to be hugged and kissed. We call kisses "sugar" and he loves to ask me for some sugar. When I pick him up he wraps himself completely around me. He is a lover.

Samuel keeps us laughing... and on our toes! He is one funny little guy. He loves to cross his eyes and make silly faces. He is really good at playing alone. He plays so differently than Noah. He lines up his dinosaurs and cars. He is getting really good at puzzles. He and Noah are both very into "fishies" right now. They have some plastic fish that they play Nemo and Dory with. Samuel loves music, too. Probably his favorite thing to do is kick a ball around. And he's really good at it! We may have a soccer player here. Samuel is a daredevil. He loves to be picked up, flipped, and swung around. Both boys love cars, but Samuel is completely enamored with them. Nine months before the boys came home we ran across a really good deal on some Cars bedding sets. Since my mom had already purchased race car beds for them, we decided to do their room in Cars. God is at work in even these kind of details! We had no idea what love they would have for cars. Samuel was beside himself when he realized his bed was a "machin"! Samuel isn't as affectionate as Noah. He definitely gives and receives hugs and sugar, but not as willingly - mostly because he's got things to play with! While Noah is willing to drop what he's doing and embrace for a moment, Samuel doesn't like pulling away from what he's doing for a quick hug. We are keeping our eyes on this, but I really think that it's mostly part of who he is. I just don't think he's as affectionate. I'm not as affectionate as my sister and I'm not adopted. Samuel tends to be the more defiant of the two. Both have a new-found love for the word, "NO!" However, Samuel is using it more, and he really acts surprised when his no isn't well received. Samuel's bowed legs are barely bowed anymore! As our doctor says, "Isn't it amazing what good nutrition will do?" We were really scared about Samuel's legs when he came home. They were freakishly bowed and one leg literally seemed to bend sideways at the knee. We were sure he was going to end up in braces, if not surgery. Along with good nutrition, God has definitely healed Samuel's legs!

From the perspective of bonding and attachment, we have very few concerns. Bonding and attachment is a journey, not a destination, so this will be something we work on for a long, long time. We'd rather overwork it than underwork it! Many people want to know when they can hold and hug our kids. There are many people who waited alongside us, loving our kids from afar. And it is natural to want to hold them, to hug them. Unfortunately, we've found that these types of things cause problems. We have only allowed them to be held by others a few times and each time has had a ripple effect. They don't want to come to us afterward. They want to go back to the person who held them. They become super upset when that person leaves. So, for now, that boundary will stay in place. Along with that we make sure that we are the only ones meeting their needs for food, drinks, diaper changes, and comfort when scared or hurt. They really get, cognitively, that we are mommy and daddy. But there is something deeper that we need to keep reinforcing, and so we do. The only times we leave the boys is in a group childcare situation in which our boundaries have been communicated. Currently, though, the boys begin crying immediately if we try to leave them so we aren't really leaving them for now. Noah does better with this than Samuel and he actually stayed in childcare Sunday night during a baptism service. Samuel really, really wanted to play, but wanted me to stay, too, so he sat with me during the service (I stay with them in class on Sunday mornings).

I realize that some people with no adoption experience may read this and think we are babying our kids or parenting them wrong. Our boundaries may seem like overkill. I certainly don't expect non-adopting people to study bonding and attachment. But please realize that we have done our research and we are acting in the best interest of our kids - whether or not you understand it (or like it).

Just last night Chuck mentioned that Noah and Samuel are doing so much better than he ever expected and I couldn't agree more. I'm sure that so much of that has to do with prayer, so thank you for keeping our family lifted in prayer. Thank you for all the love, support, encouragement, and friendship. It hasn't been easy, but it has been SO worth it! I can't wait to see what the next 6 months bring!!

Am I losing it?

There are some things I've done, said, or thought that have really made me wonder if I'm losing it. Thought I'd share some:

• In the early days of the twins being home we watched way too much Playhouse Disney. In case you are unfamiliar with the a.m. lineup, it is hosted by two monkeys. They check the monkey mail, introduce the next show, and do some other things, too. One weekend we had the tv on and I was surprised they "worked on the weekend." In fact, for a moment I was really impressed with their "work ethic," that even though they were the front men throughout the week, they still worked the weekend.
• I try to color coordinate Tristan's pacifier with his outfit. I really love it when it matches well.
• I sometimes speak Creole to Tristan. Not because I want him to learn it, but more because I realize he doesn't speak English yet. It's like I'm trying to help him understand better, like I do with the twins when they aren't responding to English.
• When I was still pregnant and we knew that the boys were coming home soon, I thought through so many variations of travel plans. Like, up to a certain point I would fly to FL, but not into Haiti. This made me wonder what I'd do if I went into labor while Chuck was in Haiti. We also thought about if Tristan was here - would I fly into Haiti? One day I had obviously been obsessing about it for too long because I was trying to figure out what I'd do if I was in FL with Tristan and went into labor while Chuck was in Haiti. Umm, yeah, I'm probably not going to go into labor if the baby is already here!
• The other day I was giving Noah some medicine for a fever, only it wasn't Noah! I was trying to give it to Samuel. Thankfully it was only ibuprofen and I caught myself.
• I have referred to Chuck as, "buddy" or "bud." This is something I call the kids. "Sure, buddy." "Hi, buddy." "What's up, bud?" Chuck has heard it all.
• I sometimes answer Chuck in Creole. By accident.
• We have a dvd player in the van. We usually only use it if we are going to be in the van for a while. If you don't turn it off when you turn the van off, it picks right back where you left off. Even if you fold the screen up, the audio still plays (and the kids know the audio and then want to watch the video). Well, one morning we went out on a quick errand and the audio popped on when I turned the van on. I assumed the screen was unfolded, so even though it was a quick trip and I wanted to listen to some worship music, I didn't want to hear the whining. So, I let them "watch" the movie. When we got to our destination I realized the screen was folded up and they were half asleep. I totally could have listened to my music!

This post really only scratches the surface. This kind of stuff happens all the time!

Another Update

Monday night - good. Only one wake up session.

Tuesday night - bad. Very bad.

Wednesday night - good. Only one wake up, but up for the day too early.

Someone told me this will take a week. Halfway there, thank God.

Unswaddled Update

There was little sleep had last night. Lot's of crying.

Arms are still an issue.

I'm tired and I miss the Swaddle Me.

Another Milestone

We have swaddled Tristan for sleep since birth. I never expected we'd be swaddling a 6 month old, 18 lb baby, but we did. Loose arms meant little sleep for Tristan and us.

This morning during his nap, Tristan rolled over while swaddled. His rolling skills have been growing and he took them to a new level with the swaddle. So, we have to finally let go of the swaddle at 6 months, 1 week. We've done one nap and one bedtime now. Tristan went down each time with a fight.

I wondered how we'd ever give it up and now it is over. It seems like time is flying and he is doing something new every day. Chuck lowered his crib tonight, too. My baby is growing up.

Am I a total freak for being emotional about this??!!

Language

In just the last few weeks, it seems, the twins have really begun to grasp the English language. I would read on the blogs of others about how quickly their kids picked up English and I'd wonder if something was wrong. For nearly five months the boys didn't speak much English at all. They spoke mainly Creole to each other. While they understood everything we said in English, it just seemed like they were never going to speak it.

That has all changed.

Everyday I hear something new. Not only are they saying new words, but they are forming sentences correctly and using proper pronouns, etc.

Just a few minutes ago Noah was whining because his favorite toy rolled under the playpen. He wanted me to get it, but he hadn't tried to get it himself. After he tried I asked Samuel if he would help Noah. Samuel abosolutely loves to help out like that. He got down on the floor and exclaimed, "I see it!"

Yesterday the boys wanted dinner, but we weren't going to be eating anytime soon. When they asked about dinner I told them, "Not yet" to which they replied, "Soon?" And I said, "No, not soon." Then Noah said, "A while?" It's these little things that just completely catch me off guard and help me to realize that they are learning.

On Friday I asked Noah, "Do you like it?" He replied, "I like it." It is such progress from the standard "yes" or "no."

Another thing that I heard recently had to do with the cat. The twins like to yell at, chase, and in general terrorize the cats. It is all based out of their own fear of them and they never touch them. I saw Noah chasing Sabrina down the hall and I said, "Noah!" He replied, "Sabrina my friend?" Chuck has been teaching the boys that the cats are our friends, that we love them, etc.

Chuck has also taught the boys that in response to "What's up?" they should respond with, "Yo mama." It is hilarious. Noah said it to someone at church and the guy turned to me and said, "Did he just say what I think he said?" To which I responded, "Yes, Chuck is teaching them the important stuff."

A word that is getting all sorts of new use is NO. "No sleep." "No diaper." "No eat." "No bath." Along with the recent language acquisition has come a new level of autonomy. This has meant more whining, fussing, and temper tantrums. Good times. The good news in this is that they aren't afraid to tell us what they want (or don't want!) and need. Children with attachment difficulties can have a hard time sharing their wants and needs. Noah and Samuel have no problem letting us know when they want to eat or need some water, when they want to watch a movie or play with a particular toy or listen to music.

I've just been so amazed with their language lately and I'm so thankful we are able to communicate better.

Broken, Bruised, and Back

The last couple of weeks have been a nice break from the blog, but I've done enough thinking and praying. I'm back.

I immediately missed blogging about the kids. I realized that I count on the blog as a place I can document what the kids are doing. When Tristan figured out the Jumperoo, I wanted to blog about it. As the boys said new words and had new-found understandings, I wanted to blog about it. So, the number one purpose of this blog will be to keep track of what our kids are up to.

As I have in the past, I will probably continue to blog about other stuff, too. I have found that I like to write. Writing stuff out gets it out of the swirl that is my head. It gives me new perspective. This blog has also helped me gather a wealth of information when I've needed answers. You all have helped me with a bunch of questions and I so appreciate that I can put a question out there and get some responses.

I want to make it clear, though, that if you read my blog you are only getting a small taste of our life here. I don't put everything on the blog. To know me is not to read my blog. And for me to know you is not to read a 12 word comment that you've left for me. I have examined why I read the blogs of others. I have found that the blogs I like to read are of people that I really do care about. It may have started out as an interest in their lives (most are somehow connected to Haiti or adoption), but the blogs I continue to read are of people for whom I have developed a true concern.

If you've been reading for any length of time, you've figured out that I'm a broken person receiving grace from a very loving God. I mess up all the time. I'm not the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or friend, and most of the time I'm not even good at being these things. I've hurt people and some of those relationships seem to be unrepairable. My past is sketchy. In fact, today marks ten years since I was arrested for drunk driving. BUT, and it's a big but, today I have God in my life. And He was always there but I didn't always know it. And then for a while I knew it but chose not to accept the grace offered. Today I am fully aware of my constant need of His grace and presence in my life.

The last 6 months have been something else. For some of us there is such an adjustment to parenthood. For others it seems to happen so naturally. It was a huge adjustment for me; times three. People have had many things to say about how God brought our kids all at once. I think the thing I appreciate most is when people say, "I can't imagine." And they are right. You can't. I have a hard time imagining it and I'm living it. Most people have been so full of grace for us as we navigate this new territory and I'm so grateful for that. But some people have been kind of heartless about it all. A few people have told Chuck that perhaps God is punishing us. Ummm, if God says anything about children, it's that He loves them dearly and that they are a blessing. I don't think He'd swarm us with kids to punish us. Locusts, yes. Kids, no. I can be really hard on myself and think, "Gosh Juli, all kinds of people have three or more little kids. Why is this so hard for you?" And I'm pretty sure some other people have thought that, too. But, the reality is that most people don't go from a very freedom filled life with no children to three little children that make it just about impossible to go anywhere. So, to deal with this whole new life and new level of dying to self while being judged by some has sucked. Sorry, there's just not a nicer word to describe that. And perhaps the hardest thing to deal with in all of this is the abandonment we've experienced by some people. We couldn't bring people into our world early on with the twins. We tried to communicate that well. But we lost some people in that. And it hurts.

So, to wrap things up, I'm back. This blog is more for me than anyone else. If no one ever reads it again, it would be okay. If you want to know me, not virtual Juli, I'd love to hear from you.

Pictures!

You know you want to eat him up, too!

I love this look.

Happy!

They think they're something else chillin' in our bed.

Reading some Suess.

If only all the moments were like this one.

Cutie Pie!

Chuck's bday.

Brothers!

When the teething ring is missing, a finger will do!

PJ Party!

I figured I'd post these pics rather than wait until March. Enjoy.

Taking Time Off

I'm thinking that I'm not going to blog during the month of February. I need a break. I realize that I don't blog super frequently - that I take lots of breaks - but they are with guilt. If I tell you I'm not blogging this month, if I tell myself, then I won't feel guilty about it.

I live pretty transparently here on the ole blog, but I don't share everything. Some things are just not meant for the world wide web. I have a whole lot of unsharable stuff going on right now - lost friendships, family stuff, medical stuff, drama, etc. A lot of sadness. A lot of loss. And while I could just post the happy stuff, it seems untruthful and shallow to do that with how I'm feeling about much of my life.

Plus I'm trying to reconcile the idea of, "I don't need to talk to you. I just read your blog." I've had a few people tell me that. I'm not okay with that. I need to put some thought into the purpose of this blog, what I share here, and whether or not I want to continue. I may have "blog friends," but I need tangible fellowship with my friends, too. I read a lot of peoples' blogs, but I wouldn't call all of them my friends. So why do I do that? Am I just being nosy? Am I interested in their lives? Do I truly care about them? These are all some of the questions I'm going to think about this month.

So, I should be back in March. Maybe before, maybe not. I just don't know.

Please Pray

Please pray for my knee.

I was on the floor on my knees playing with Tristan and something went wrong with my knee. This knee has given me trouble in the past - I've dislocated it more than once and I've done lots of PT on it. An MRI was done three years ago and they found nothing wrong with it.

I'm just praying for complete healing if it's God's will. Please join me in doing that. I can't imagine adding a bum knee to my list of daily stuff. But, if God wants to allow that I just need His grace to get through it.

Thanks.

Surprise!

Well, I pulled it off. I managed to throw Chuck a surprise birthday party today and he didn't figure it out!

I sent Chuck for a massage this afternoon and while he was gone some friends and I got the house ready. He came home to a house full of people. Yay!!

For the sake of the boys, I had to keep the guest list small. I pretty much limited it to people he hangs out with on a weekly basis and then some good friends. And of course I missed people. Like you, Terri. How could I forget to invite you?! I put the guest list together and sent out the Evite last Saturday while nursing Tristan. Chuck kept coming into the room so I had to keep shutting my laptop. So, while I feel terrible that I missed people, I have grace for myself given the circumstances of my planning (or lack there of...). That, folks, is growth for me.

Anyhow, there are some very special people I need to thank. Co (that's Nicole to those over age 5) picked up the cake and some forgotten items for me. She showed up early and stayed late and kept Tristan for most of the party. She also did the dirty job of clean up - and who likes to clean up after a party?? Thanks, Nicole. You showed me love and service today. The fabulous Austin's came early and helped me set up. Poor Billy had the task of de-spiderwebbing a table. Dominique and Erwin also showed up early (without even being asked to!) and helped get things set up. Dana stuck it out with Nicole after everyone left and helped clean up. She also left her cream cheese and pastrami dip and crackers (which I'm presently munching on!)

All together we had 24 adults and 19 kids. Yeah, and that was on a very limited guest list. I can't imagine what the totals would have been if I had invited everyone I wanted to invite. Last November we had a party with 70-some people and thankfully it was nice out and we could go outdoors. Today was pretty cold so we were all crammed inside.

Today was fun, but now I am exhausted. I'm so thankful we have friends we share life with.

Happy Birthday, My Love

Today is Chuck's birthday, so in honor of him here's a list of what I love about him:

• I love how you love me. It is the closest thing to unconditional love that I know.
• I love your confidence in yourself - it's not cocky - you are just sure of who you are and who you are not.
• I love the way you love people. It is sincere and full of concern. It is authentic and asks the hard questions.
• I love how you stand up for what is right. Even when it's hard and most people would back down.
• I love how you have jumped right into fatherhood. From the moment Tristan was born you've been wholeheartedly involved in his little life. You loved Noah and Samuel from afar. You anguished over them as the months turned into years of waiting. And seeing you in action with them makes my heart swell with pride that you are my husband and their daddy.
• I love how you are willing to try new things - even if you don't know what you are doing.
• I love the way you love life.
• I love your excitement in all things. This world has tried, but it has not succeeded in jading you yet.
• I love how you suck it up all the time when you are in immense pain and rarely show how much your back (and knees and ankles!) hurt. You don't let it stop you from doing the things you love and playing with our kids. You are so strong.
• I love your servant heart. I wish I was more like you.
• I love that you know how to relax and that you know when you need to.
• I love how you are able to read people and meet their needs.
• I love your longing and love to know God more.
• I love your desire to share Him with lost people.

Simply put, I love you more than simple words can say. You are incredible.

Love, Me

Three Years Ago

Martin Luther King Jr Day of 2006 was a big day in our home.

I have very good memory of that day. Chuck and I were both off from work that day. I remember that I thoroughly cleaned the house that day because we had company coming over that night. I spilled a big jug of cooking oil and it made a huge mess. I had a dentist appointment late in the afternoon and I grocery shopped for ingredients for chili.

Our company that evening was a guy who was being interviewed at our church (for the position that Chuck eventually took) and his wife. When our church is thinking about hiring someone they have as many people from our church as possible meet with the couple and get to know them. They were awesome and we had a ton of fun hanging out with them and getting to know them. We totally wanted him to be hired. They left our house late. After cleaning up a little I went to check my email. That's when we first learned about Noah and Samuel. My heart beats faster now as I think about my excitement as I read the email. I knew without a doubt that they were our sons. However, we wanted God to confirm it. He did just that over the next three days and on January 19, 2006 we committed to adopt our sons. My eyes just flood with tears now as I think back on it. The boys were only 10 weeks old. We had started the process to adopt from Haiti right around the time they were born in November of 2005.

I never imagined we would wait so very long to bring them home. So much has changed in these three years. Chuck changed careers and I left working outside the home. We moved. We started a church. We had a baby. Noah and Samuel finally came home. And God has faithfully and lovingly guided us along the way. I am humbled by His love and grace. I am humbled that He chose us to parent these two little boys (and Tristan, too!).

I'm not quite sure what to call today (referral day, committment day?), but it is definitely a day worth celebrating and thanking God for.

And I must thank all of you who have been on this journey with us. Some of you have been along for the entire ride and we are so thankful for your faithfulness to pray our family through these last three years. It's the prayers of all of you that kept us going and keep us going. Thank you!

Mark 15 - Thought Provoking

Our church has been challenged to read through the New Testament (and Psalms and Proverbs) together this year. Our Lead Pastor came up with a reading plan for us to follow and I'm trying to make sure I read each day. I believe there is power in doing this together as a church and so far God is really opening my eyes as I read. I'm experiencing the Bible in a way I haven't before and I'm thankful God is honoring my reading in this way.

If you go to Forefront and you're not yet reading the Bible with us, I encourage you to join in on the reading. I think our church has the potential to really honor God and do some cool things this year the more people join in on this. In the brief 15 days I've been doing this (and yeah, I've missed a few days already) my life has gotten better. That's not some cheesy testimony. It is the truth for me. And it can be your truth too.

Recently I got all three kids on the same nap schedule. WOOHOO. Quiet time alone in the middle of the day energizes me since I'm an introvert. The do-er in me wants to be knocking out housework during this time, but I've been reading the daily reading instead. I just finished reading up Mark 15. (Okay, I just read through this and saw the typo. I was going to fix it, but "reading up" is kind of like "eating up" and I really feel like I am eating up what I'm reading in a way.)

In verses 1-15 it talks about Jesus being handed over to Pilate and how Pilate hands Him over to be crucified. Basically, Pilate knows they don't have a case against Jesus, but in order to satisfy the crowd and keep the peace, he hands Him over. I've read this plenty of times before. And I always looked at it from the perspective of Pilate. Today as I read, the thought came to me, "How many times have I crucified Jesus to satisfy the crowd?" I can promise you that thought wasn't from me. I don't come up with stuff like that. I believe God put that thought in my head.

The truth is I have handed Jesus over to be crucified. Rather than stand behind what I know to be true about Him, I try to satisfy my crowd and say nothing. I know, I know. In this world it is important to be politically correct. We wouldn't want to offend anyone, now would we? But am I willing to offend MY SAVIOR instead? That is hard to choke down, but it is the truth for me. I pray that from this day forward I behave less like Pilate and more like a follower of Christ. Cause really, who wants to be like Pilate?

Amen.

Belly to Back

Just last night I was telling my sister how Tristan rolled from his back to his belly three times and then quit as if to say, "This isn't all you said it would be. I quit."

Well, just now I put him on a blanket on the floor on his belly and ran to the restroom really quick. He started crying while I was in there so I rushed back and the punk was on his back.

Apparently he likes to do new tricks when we aren't looking.

Another milestone. My little baby is growing up. Excuse me while I go cry.

Cried Like a Baby...

Noah and Samuel's certificates of citizenship (finally!) came today. The emotion I felt when opening them was unexpected. I thought the certificate was just another sheet of paper, but as I looked them over (praying against mistakes) and read the letter from President Bush, I realized a few things.

First and foremost, it is a privilege to be an American citizen. Whether our economy is in the crapper, or we have been at war for too long, or whatever else may be wrong in this country - it is still a great big, huge deal that my boys are eligible for all this country offers. I in no way am saying that I think the US is better than Haiti. In fact, I think there is a level of spirituality and communion with God that we can completely miss in this country because our needs are so readily met. The absolute and pure joy that many Haitians have is unlike anything I've seen here in America. Witnessing the joy of the Lord in Haiti is something I cherish.

As I sit here looking at my smiling boys (all three of them!) I thank God for the journey we have had so far. And I look forward to what lies ahead.

(Side note: Because I didn't know to change our address with USCIS [I thought the updated homestudy took care of that], the original certificates issued were lost in the mail. I've been working on getting these reissued certificates since early October. Nothing, it seems, is easy when it comes to adoption!)

Makes Me Think

Yesterday I had someone out to fix my fridge. The water spigot on the door was misplaced and water kind of sprayed everywhere when we would try to get water. It was an easy fix and was free since we had bought a warranty.

The guy who came out to fix my fridge called early in the morning. I missed the call because I was changing a disgusting diaper. He left a message telling me that he'd be by between 10 and 12, which narrowed down the original timefram of 8-12. When I listened to the message, it was pretty obvious that this guy was not the least bit excited about coming to my house.

I later (after the guy was gone) learned that he also called Chuck. The guy was pretty rude about needing to see our original receipt, which Chuck assured him was on the fridge waiting for him. Chuck also got the impression that the guy wasn't excited about coming to our home and was maybe hoping we didn't have the needed receipt so he wouldn't have to come over.

When the guy got here he was super polite and professional. He was interested in learning from where Noah and Samuel had been adopted. He asked if we were planning to go to the Winter Jam, which is a local Christian concert that benefits adoptions. He also shared with me that he and his wife sponsor a child in Mongolia.

I was able to deduce that this man was a Christian by the "Christian" things he spoke of. And I think he spoke of them because he figured out I was a Christian. I was not able to tell he was a Christian based on how he treated me and Chuck on the phone, though. I'm not sharing this to judge the guy because I do the same thing.

How often am I short or clipped with someone and then my tune changes when I learn they are a Christian? Or, worse, how often have I been short or clipped or just plain rude to someone and then they figure out that I'm a Christian. Not good. Not good at all. I'm thankful that I had this experience yesterday because it really made me take a look at myself and what I do.

A Full Heart

My heart is so full tonight.

I just tucked the twins into bed. We whispered our I love yous. We talked about the day. We read a book. We said our prayers. And I'm fairly certain that they went to bed feeling loved and secure.

Don't get me wrong - life is hard here in the Cason house. We have our share of whining, crying, and timeouts. Life comes at you fast when you have three kids three and under. Not to mention that the three year olds are really not emotionally or developmentally three years old.

But, life is good and I can't imagine going back to life without kids. When I think back on those days, they seem empty. They seem somehow selfish or shallow now. Yes, I sometimes daydream of sleeping in or taking a nap or going out by myself with no time restriction. Going from no kids to three kids has been the biggest lesson I've ever had in dying to self.

There were days early on when I truly wondered what we were thinking, what God had allowed. It was SO. HARD. And I was SO. SCARED. I just didn't know what I was doing. So much had changed in such a short period of time. My body was an abyss of raging hormones and it was healing from the c-section. Depression had set in. I couldn't enjoy the kids because it was all just so overwhelming. And I was afraid to blog about it because 1) I know some of my readers are still waiting for kids. Horribly long waits. How could I whine about all my blessings when their arms were still empty. 2) Pride. I didn't want people to know how hard I was struggling. And I was struggling hard. Chuck was my absolute rock (well, aside from Jesus!). He made sure I got rest. He made sure I got out of the house and still does. He prayed for me. He pointed me toward help. 3) I really didn't have time to think through how I was feeling and type it out.

Finally I'm at a place where I am really loving being a mom. Yes, it is hard work. I never really feel "caught up." I don't shower as often as I like. Sometimes I wear my pj's all day long. I don't get out of the house as often as I like. But, it is all good and I can't imagine my life any other way than how it is now.

I know some of you prayed for me, for us. I can't adequately express my gratitude. Your prayers upheld us, especially in those blurry early days. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank You, Jesus, for a full heart and home.

I just want to add that if you've recently brought a child or children home and you're struggling, I don't have all the answers, but I do know how you feel. I'm here for you, just send me an email.

Goodbye, Friends

I hate goodbyes.

I hated them when I was a kid. We would visit our Dad each summer and I hated saying goodbye to my Mom, and to my Dad when we came back.

I hated when friends went away to college, when neighbors moved, and when coworkers left.

Chuck was in the military for the first 8 years of our marriage. In that time we moved 7 times, and three of those were relocations to new states. I hated saying goodbye to friends and family. In fact, over time I've come to this place where I stay in denial about the move rather than prepare myself for the emotional rollercoaster (yeah, real healthy, I know).

Some of our very best friends are moving away in 4 days. It is getting really hard to stay in denial about it. They sold their house and moved out. They've had one going away party and another is scheduled for tomorrow. They've changed their cell phone numbers and now have out of state area codes. They keep friggin talking about it, too, which makes it very hard for me to keep up this delusion that they aren't moving away.

Vince and Jen started Forefront Church, the church we attend, the one Chuck works at, nearly 11 years ago. They are some of the most awesome people I've ever met and their kids, Dawson and Marissa, rock too. But, the most awesome thing I need to mention is why they are moving. They are moving because God said so. They don't want to. God has sent this family to start a church in Las Vegas. Not just anywhere in Las Vegas, but right on the strip. They are starting a church for people who work or live on and around the strip in Las Vegas. They are taking their light to one of the darkest places in this country. And I'm so proud of them. That kind of makes it hard for me to get mad at them for moving away.

So, if you think to, say a prayer for them. In fact, commit to praying for them. Moving is hard. They are moving to a brand new place and have to start all over - new friends, new schools, new work places, new doctors, new dentists, new stores, new everything. It is exciting, yes, but still hard. I know God is going to totally take care of them, so I'm not worried. They've got my prayers for sure.

Vince, Jen, Dawson and Marissa - I love you guys. You are awesome and I'm so proud of you for living out your faith like this. You will totally be missed here. Love, Juli